If only I were Superwoman.

I'm feeling all sorts of weak today. Maybe its the gloomy weather, maybe its something else. Theres just those moments every once in a while that no matter what, no matter how many struggles you feel that you've fought through, no matter how much strength you feel that you've gained with the love and support around you, theres simply those moments that you can't help but feel like it all doesn't matter. After all, we're all only human. As much as I'd like to try to be super strong "I can take on the world" about everything, with every strength comes weaknesses, and I am far far far from a superwoman.

Although I know now that everything will be ok in the end, those reasons why I need hope and strength and love and all of those wonderful things in the first place still exist. The reason why and how I can be so appreciative of the good at this point of time in my life is because there is a lot of sadness and bad. Even if I've found a way to overcome it for the most part doesn't mean I don't feel it at times. My heart still hurts from it all. I'm still completely frightened deep inside. I'm still struggling and fighting my own self battle and every day is its own journey.

One step by another step, each day at a time, I'll keep moving forward though. And that's all that really matters right? Patience and perseverance. If only I were Superwoman...

"Our strength grows out of our weaknesses." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." -John Quincy Adams

"The greatest prayer is patience." -Buddha

This is my sentimental side.

As time dwindles down, I begin to realize and develop new feelings toward people in my life. They might not even be new feelings, but perhaps ones that were always there but I somehow never truly acknowledged in the past.

One of these include my appreciation for the people in my life.

I have definitely come to appreciate more and more the ones that are truly there for me. Family, friends- I am so completely grateful to have you all in my life. Thank you. Sometimes we lose track of whats important and take the ones that love us most for granted. Its human nature. We get upset or frustrated over petty things or let miscommunication get in the way of understanding one another.

Family is always there for you. They are the ones that without a doubt care more about you than they do themselves. Sometimes it comes off as too much. Moms can be overprotective and too critical just because they care so much and want the best from you even if it comes off wrong. At the same time, a child can love her mom just as much and want so much for her parents to be proud but when nothing comes out right, the child and the mother are both left feeling alone and misunderstood. I love you mom, dad, sis- with all my heart. There's nothing I want more for you than happiness and the things you so rightfully deserve. Sis I just miss those days you used to look up to everything I did and want to be just like me and copy everything. I'm so happy and proud of the person you've become though and I'm also grateful it didn't even have to take you the million plus mistakes to get there. I can feel so much better knowing that you will be there to take care of Mom and Dad and get them through the tough times while I'm away. I'm so glad you have become so strong and I don't have to worry about you as much.

If my family and closest friends didn't exist, I wouldn't see a purpose to living anymore. I wouldn't have the strength that I have dug up in me to continue with wanting more for myself. I would have lost hope long ago.

Friends. Real friends are truly one of the most spectacular things in this crazy and mixed up world to have. To think that complete strangers somehow intertwine paths and even remarkably give pieces of their heart to each other and sometimes even care for one another like a second family would. People who understand you, people who believe in you, who are there for you whenever they can, people to laugh with and simply chill with, people to share new experiences with and grow up with. Now, nobody wants to experience extra pain or heartache. When you deeply care for another it opens you up to that possibility. For example, if you know someone is leaving for prison soon and you are close with them, its a difficult thing to deal with in itself for both of you. I'm sure its hard to handle and accept everything in general thats been going on as well as deal with someone who is constantly struggling to stay strong. Reality is a difficult thing to deal with- period- and the easiest thing to do sometimes would be to run away from it. But to still be there for them, to be willing to feel a little of that pain with them, that shows the great love in real friendships. I am so unbelievably grateful for all of you who have been there for me in the past, present and my future. Without a doubt, if you ever needed anything that I'd be capable of, I'd be more than happy to help. You know who you are.

I'm being so sentimental right now its a little frightening. I mean every word though.

For those of you who have told me you admire and am proud of my strength and optimism through this entire struggle, you now know where it comes from. It comes from each one of you that have been a part of my life in any way and have brought something to me that has helped make me into who I try to be. Given me hope, encouragement, love, laughter, support, listening ears, shoulders to cry on, wisdom and advice, kindness... to even all of the negatives that have still helped me grow and fail and learn. Each time I break down or want to give up or lose hope I think of you guys and its what somehow picks me up again... I fucking love you all.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Gandhi

Food in prison.

Can I even refer to this slop as food? I'm not sure. I googled up prison food and this is what I found. I also found a few articles stating the following:

Anger about meals is the No. 1 reason for inmate uprisings, according to corrections officials, and menu changes imperil safety for prison guards, inmates and the public in general.

The state now pays $2.67 for three meals a day for each inmate. Lawmakers in the House want to reduce that cost to $2.30 a day.
The preparation is haphazard. They're supposed to wear hairnets and gloves. You find hair in your food and you find a Band-Aid in your food. Things are so overcooked it's mush, or it's not cooked at all."


Wow, is it that unappetizing there that it really is the number one reason for inmate uprisings? And $2.30 a day in Florida. I'm trying really hard but I can't imagine what kind of food I can get for $2.30 for 3 meals. I know there's more to worry about than food, but to me food is a huge priority. Some days I come home after a long and hard day of work and the only thing getting me through the day is thinking about what kind of food I am going to eat or cook later. Its one of my biggest passions and pleasures, if not number one. I'm a true foodie.

I've come up with a list of food that I must eat at least once more before I leave. This list is very very long. I'm going to fatten myself up, no joke. I'll eat so much, I'll have enough fat on my body to last me the years that I'm away without having to eat that garbage. Unless people can bring you food to eat, that would be great. Does anyone know if thats allowed?