18 months down and 18 to go. Things are so much better and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I’ve started taking classes, being out of the house on my own, and really moving forward and that feels unbelievable. It’s crazy to think how much I’ve changed and grown and just how appreciative I’ve become of every little thing in my life. No matter how hard things may get at times, I hold onto that and it makes it better. It was such a struggle to get permission to go this far out for my classes, and there was a point where I really didn’t think it could happen. But with all the legwork I’ve done since I’ve been in prison, preparation and planning, determination and simply talking to people from the bottom of my heart, things finally fell into place. It’s truly a blessing, it is. I remember when I felt like no matter what I tried to do, nothing would work out. But now I realize, I didn’t try hard enough again and again. I was discouraged too easily and always ended up giving up on myself and feeling saddened that things were always getting “in my way.” Not realizing that I was a big part of what was stopping me from getting where I wanted to go.
I have therapy sessions with the treatment director here twice a week and it is actually quite nice to have someone trying to help me emotionally. Someone who actually breaks down and analyzes things the way I do, but has a professional background and experience in it to give insight from an outside perspective. I’ve tried therapy before, but never grew fond of it. This lady is smart as hell though, tough and blunt when she needs to be, but caring. She tells me she thinks I am a very strong woman, and has no doubt that through everything, I will make it out okay. That I will accomplish the goals I am working toward achieving. But the reason she wants to have therapy is because she does worry about me emotionally. She feels that I hide a lot of pain and wants to work on that so I can go about my life with a little more ease. Everything she says has been so on point, it’s a bit frightening. I already broke down twice in front of her, and it’s not often I break down in front of strangers like that. I guess she hit the spot.
Anyhow, it’s so tiring being on the move again and being out and about! I love it, but it’s exhausting physically. You never really realize it, but your body actually gets accustomed to whatever your regular schedule may be. And for me, that was the prison life. So I am slowly adjusting back to real life somewhat and I guess my body is taking it harshly. The walking, especially. Taking public transportation requires a lot of walking every day, but I’m loving it. I used to hate waiting around for anything and I used to be so lazy to walk anywhere. I’d go and drive if it was 2 blocks away. I’d order delivery from a restaurant that was pretty much a few steps away from my apartment just because I was too lazy to go myself. I’d forget about purchasing an item at a store if there were a few people waiting on line. I refused to wait on lines anywhere! I’d get impatient and frustrated. Now, I am so used to waiting. Everything I’ve done in prison has involved waiting. Waiting for food, waiting for count time, waiting for mail, waiting for visits, waiting for the day to pass, waiting for months to pass, etc. So the 1.5 hour train ride to and from classes are nothing to me. Actually, they have been quite relaxing just being able to be on my own and listening to music or reading or even sitting and being in my own thoughts.
A lot has been happening recently. Last weekend was record breaking highs, with a temperature of over 100 degrees for 3 days. Living in a place with no air conditioning in that heat was literally hell. It reminds me of the two days in Maximum security when the air conditioning broke and everyone was practically naked, dripping sweat, and putting ice on our bodies to keep cool. Well, this weekend was torture as well. Forget about one day at a time, I was trying to manage one minute at a time. I had a headache, I was lethargic, cloudy headed, cranky and irritable, and just plain out miserable. I had thoughts of running away to an air conditioned building just to sleep, because yes, it was impossible to fall asleep too. My parents came for visits for 2 hours and my mom went home with a headache. She apparently felt so bad for me and the other girls in my house that she called the supervisor here as well as the directors from even higher up, and after many phone calls and consistent persuading, she was granted permission to donate some air conditioning systems and they agreed to match her and get the rest, so that each room in this halfway house now has an air conditioner. Well, she spent $2,000 so they matched her and spent another $2,000 and I am now living in a fully air-conditioned room. And my love for my mother has grown even deeper and wider. Actually, I think everyone in the entire house loves her now. They’ve been trying to work out getting A/C here for years now, but it never happened. I guess due to budget, also because nobody cared enough to push to make it happen. But my mom did. She even had to tell this head guy that we are humans too. She explained she was a physician and that on a medical standpoint, it was pretty much hazardous to our health to be in over 100 degree heat with no air conditioning and that if people were to have heat strokes and die living in this house, then it would be too late and they would lose more money than if they were to supply us with A/C right now. Amazing, right? I can’t describe how proud I am to have a mother that was able to get this done like this. She really shocked me and touched me. I just hope that I will be able to get out of here and make her proud and happy with me too soon and make up for all that has happened because although unintentional, I know I hurt her and others a lot and she definitely doesn’t deserve all of that. But I’m trying not to dwell on my guilt and let it affect my future because then things would only get worse and not better.
18 more months! As long as that may seem still, I try to change my perspective and look at things like this. I’ve made it through the worst and look how far I’ve come. I started with 36 months and now I’m down to the teens! I never would have imagined this day would come, and now I’m here. I have a lot to be grateful for so I just have to focus on that, and not what I am lacking and missing. The rest will come with time.
Monday, August 8, 2011
1 year 5 months: Beginning of my last step til freedom
I’ve made it to the halfway house, finally. It’s only been a few days being here and time has been dragging. I’m on a 2-week blackout period before I’m able to start going anywhere, but 30 days until I can go out for classes, job searching, or group trips out. I can’t even have a visit or use the phone during these two weeks, but it’s okay. I’ve waited a long time to come here. If there is one thing I’ve developed through incarceration, patience is definitely it. I still struggle with it though, but I’m only human, right?
It is really strange to be living here and not a gated facility far from society. To have windows that open and no barbed wire fences. To walk on the sidewalk to go to the backyard, watch people across the street from my window at the park, see neighbors chilling on their porch. Yet I can’t go anywhere. I’m happy as hell to be here though and out of prison.
I had money stolen from me yesterday, hidden inside my underwear in my bin. Ridiculous. Right now I am in a 6 person room. After some time, you move down to a 4 or 3 person room and then to a 2 person room. Can’t wait.
The food here is ehh. What can you expect though. I’m seriously on a hot dog and chicken ban for the rest of my life. No joke. But the best thing is that visitors can bring me real food and when I go out, I can eat real food myself. We can also order out Chinese take out or from the Italian places / pizza places on weekends.
I’m so anxious and excited to go out in the real world even if for a few hours a day, and to be away from all of these people, and to start being productive each day as opposed to sitting in a room doing nothing. Sure, I do what I can- read, write, plan, think, etc., but I’m pretty stagnated and it’s a struggle maintaining patience and staying away from being bored a lot.
Oh yeah, it’s so great to chew gum again! I had someone pick me up some gum. Oh, the little things…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, so I am finally off blackout and I am overly ecstatic about it. My first trip out to the real world was yesterday. My counselor took our group to the local waterfalls and we got to stop by Dunkin Donuts and Burger King. I was so happy, like a little kid getting her first happy meal. Just being outside in the real world, walking down the streets, stepping into an actual DD and ordering their iced coffee that I’ve missed so much. It was quite an experience. Some complained about the long walk, but I enjoyed every moment of it. And going to the Great Falls was beautiful. I mean, compared to a lot of other places I’ve been to in the past, it wasn’t really much, but after being incarcerated and staring at the same barbed wire fences, I really appreciated it. I just stood there and felt so thankful to be here because I could very well still be in prison. So although it isn’t complete freedom and it still hurts being away from loved ones and being so restricted, I have to hold onto the fact that things could definitely be a lot worse.
There was a shooting across the street from us the other day though. It was a scary thought, the fact that I’m in a dangerous neighborhood like that. I didn’t survive all that I have to come here and be shot. But then again, if it were to be my time, then what can I do, right? We heard the gunshots and I could see the scene of the crime right from my window. A drive by shooting, 5 gunshots into this truck and killed the driver. They say it was drug-related and not a random act of violence. Not to say that makes it any better. I’ve seen some pretty crazy things these past 2 weeks already here just from my window. Crackheads tweeking and scratching themselves, drug deals, drunkards stumbling through the park and waking up on the bench the next day, etc. 19 more months here! God, that still seems like so long. I can’t wait for visits this weekend! I’m sad we can only have a few people on our visit list so I’ll have to rotate people in every 3 months aside from the ones who live close and plan on coming often. But once I start classes and getting out of the house, I could probably see my friends on the outside- that would be even better.
All in all though, I am managing. Days aren’t exactly easy, but I’ve been through a lot worse. I know things will only get better and I just have to hang in there one step at a time. The director here approved my traveling an hour and a half to take classes so I am as happy as a bee. Right now, they have me going to NA/AA meetings that are boring as hell because I seriously can’t relate to a lot of what they are talking about, but I try to make the most of it. Sad stories of people who let heroine or crack get the best of them, mainly. I really am lucky that I never thought that getting involved in those types of things would be an answer to my problems. Because God knows how I’ve always tried to run away from my problems in the past, just to ease the stressing and cope in the way I knew how. But at the same time, the message is always the same. Have faith and keep persevering, and you can make it through anything. Face your problems and find solutions instead of running away from them until they get worse and worse. I don’t know why this never worked for me in the past, but does now. I think partially because of every little thing I’ve been through up until now. From my past, to the car accident especially, then incarceration, I never would have thought I had it in me to make it out somehow. But somehow, I have. And I know if I can get through the night of the accident and afterwards, I can get through anything. I know that I have to be still alive for a reason, and that things can only go uphill from here. So every hardship or obstacle that keeps coming up, even if I doubt myself at first, I have an inner faith that things are going to be okay, and I don’t give up the way I used to. I face it and work through it somehow and it’s amazing how far that in itself can take you.
It is really strange to be living here and not a gated facility far from society. To have windows that open and no barbed wire fences. To walk on the sidewalk to go to the backyard, watch people across the street from my window at the park, see neighbors chilling on their porch. Yet I can’t go anywhere. I’m happy as hell to be here though and out of prison.
I had money stolen from me yesterday, hidden inside my underwear in my bin. Ridiculous. Right now I am in a 6 person room. After some time, you move down to a 4 or 3 person room and then to a 2 person room. Can’t wait.
The food here is ehh. What can you expect though. I’m seriously on a hot dog and chicken ban for the rest of my life. No joke. But the best thing is that visitors can bring me real food and when I go out, I can eat real food myself. We can also order out Chinese take out or from the Italian places / pizza places on weekends.
I’m so anxious and excited to go out in the real world even if for a few hours a day, and to be away from all of these people, and to start being productive each day as opposed to sitting in a room doing nothing. Sure, I do what I can- read, write, plan, think, etc., but I’m pretty stagnated and it’s a struggle maintaining patience and staying away from being bored a lot.
Oh yeah, it’s so great to chew gum again! I had someone pick me up some gum. Oh, the little things…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, so I am finally off blackout and I am overly ecstatic about it. My first trip out to the real world was yesterday. My counselor took our group to the local waterfalls and we got to stop by Dunkin Donuts and Burger King. I was so happy, like a little kid getting her first happy meal. Just being outside in the real world, walking down the streets, stepping into an actual DD and ordering their iced coffee that I’ve missed so much. It was quite an experience. Some complained about the long walk, but I enjoyed every moment of it. And going to the Great Falls was beautiful. I mean, compared to a lot of other places I’ve been to in the past, it wasn’t really much, but after being incarcerated and staring at the same barbed wire fences, I really appreciated it. I just stood there and felt so thankful to be here because I could very well still be in prison. So although it isn’t complete freedom and it still hurts being away from loved ones and being so restricted, I have to hold onto the fact that things could definitely be a lot worse.
There was a shooting across the street from us the other day though. It was a scary thought, the fact that I’m in a dangerous neighborhood like that. I didn’t survive all that I have to come here and be shot. But then again, if it were to be my time, then what can I do, right? We heard the gunshots and I could see the scene of the crime right from my window. A drive by shooting, 5 gunshots into this truck and killed the driver. They say it was drug-related and not a random act of violence. Not to say that makes it any better. I’ve seen some pretty crazy things these past 2 weeks already here just from my window. Crackheads tweeking and scratching themselves, drug deals, drunkards stumbling through the park and waking up on the bench the next day, etc. 19 more months here! God, that still seems like so long. I can’t wait for visits this weekend! I’m sad we can only have a few people on our visit list so I’ll have to rotate people in every 3 months aside from the ones who live close and plan on coming often. But once I start classes and getting out of the house, I could probably see my friends on the outside- that would be even better.
All in all though, I am managing. Days aren’t exactly easy, but I’ve been through a lot worse. I know things will only get better and I just have to hang in there one step at a time. The director here approved my traveling an hour and a half to take classes so I am as happy as a bee. Right now, they have me going to NA/AA meetings that are boring as hell because I seriously can’t relate to a lot of what they are talking about, but I try to make the most of it. Sad stories of people who let heroine or crack get the best of them, mainly. I really am lucky that I never thought that getting involved in those types of things would be an answer to my problems. Because God knows how I’ve always tried to run away from my problems in the past, just to ease the stressing and cope in the way I knew how. But at the same time, the message is always the same. Have faith and keep persevering, and you can make it through anything. Face your problems and find solutions instead of running away from them until they get worse and worse. I don’t know why this never worked for me in the past, but does now. I think partially because of every little thing I’ve been through up until now. From my past, to the car accident especially, then incarceration, I never would have thought I had it in me to make it out somehow. But somehow, I have. And I know if I can get through the night of the accident and afterwards, I can get through anything. I know that I have to be still alive for a reason, and that things can only go uphill from here. So every hardship or obstacle that keeps coming up, even if I doubt myself at first, I have an inner faith that things are going to be okay, and I don’t give up the way I used to. I face it and work through it somehow and it’s amazing how far that in itself can take you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)