Dear Friends,
I just would like to take the time and express how thankful I am to have you guys in my life. Even the fact that you attempt to coordinate through email or phone visiting me is something that not a lot of people here have. Words can't even tell just how extremely grateful I am to have friends who are truly there for me through good times and bad. They say you find out who your friends are in prison and I've discovered even further just how lucky and blessed I am to have special people in my life.
I know on the outside, we tend to take a lot for granted and it's sad because those things usually are the most important in our lives, but I just want you guys to know how appreciative I am of each and every visit, each and every letter, each and every thought. Friends are especially wonderful because you have no obligation to be in my life. You choose to be friends with whomever you'd like, and you guys decided to remain a part of mine even during times where caring can bring more sadness than joy. Encouraging, supporting, believing in me, bringing smiles to my face. Reminding me that I have people who miss me, waiting for me to get out; people who are grateful I'm alive through all the tragedy.
I know that sometimes, I can get rather harsh when I don't hear from people for a while, but those are my emotions getting carried away simply because I miss you guys more than words can express. After being locked up a year, you may have become accustomed to my absence, but I still think of you all each and every day.
All I know is that for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be, I will always remember and be grateful for all the ones who have shown me the meaning of true friendship especially during these past years. Thank you and love you guys - each in your own different way.
Miss you guys and I can't wait until 2013!
Love always,
ME
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
1 year 2 weeks: Cherish it all
American Idol was great tonight. Especially the ending. A guy came on and auditioned and he told his story about singing for his fiance, who was in a horrible car accident 2 years ago. She had major brain injuries and was in a coma; the doctors said she probably wouldn't live. She woke up a month later. She now has to go around in a wheelchair and let me tell you, she was a gorgeous girl and now her face and speech and everything is completely messed up. She can hardly speak and her head constantly shakes, but her fiance is there for her, feeling her pain and loving her. It was so sad and deeply moving, especially considering my own experience with my car accident.
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but I am so fortunate. Sometimes we all lose sight of this, but I hope to never. Nothing is permanent. Life, health, everything - it could all disappear in an instant. So grab on to and cherish all that you can while you can, because you truly never know what will happen tomorrow. And just be more careful too please; I know my generation in society today can be a little too careless, never thinking that something could possibly happen to them, but it can and take my word for it. Better safe than sorry.
I don't know how the rest of you feel, but I am so fortunate. Sometimes we all lose sight of this, but I hope to never. Nothing is permanent. Life, health, everything - it could all disappear in an instant. So grab on to and cherish all that you can while you can, because you truly never know what will happen tomorrow. And just be more careful too please; I know my generation in society today can be a little too careless, never thinking that something could possibly happen to them, but it can and take my word for it. Better safe than sorry.
1 year and 5 days: oh happy day
Good news - scratch that - WONDERFUL NEWS! After work today, I headed over to the Education office before my class and found out that they were successful in getting me out of going to the 9 month substance abuse program and I have been approved for the halfway house. Of course, there are still mandatory programs going there, but that is standard for everyone. I should be on my way in a few weeks - first to the program at Bo Robinson for 3 months or so and then back to the halfway house. My plan is back on track. I am so incredibly grateful. They say we meet everyone for a reason, and I am so thankful for the kind and completely compassionate and helpful people I've met in the Education Department here. They literally saved me. I have so much respect for them and will do everything in my power to stay out of any trouble and accomplish all my goals. They said if I got any charges, from the halfway house, I'll be sent straight back and into the program. I assured them this would not happen.
Wow, what a week. Intense to say the least. But I am so happy about this, I can suck up all my physical pain and whatever from my slave job and anyone who is mean toward me because soon enough, I AM OUT OF HERE BITCHES!!! Thank God!
Excuse my language.
Wow, what a week. Intense to say the least. But I am so happy about this, I can suck up all my physical pain and whatever from my slave job and anyone who is mean toward me because soon enough, I AM OUT OF HERE BITCHES!!! Thank God!
Excuse my language.
1 year and 4 days
Today was slightly better, physically speaking, simply because I got a little more sleep yesterday and maybe my muscles are getting stronger, still tough though. But more importantly, I went and spoke to the head of the Education Department today, who has been some of the kindest people that work in this place singe I've been here. I told them my problem about administration trying to send me to the 9 month substance abuse program instead of the halfway house, and they are trying to help me out. They know my situation, know all of my future plans and have been helping me get set up for finishing school in the halfway house, etc. So they called whoever is in charge and asked to please not take me for this program and approve me for the halfway house. She even said "4 pleases". They said they can't guarantee anything but will try to convince them because they don't feel as if I need this program either. They know it's all about the beds for them - filling beds for their funding. I just hope they listen. I'm praying so hard and am so utterly distraught and stressed for tomorrow, but I'm so happy to have gotten to speak to them and still get this chance to get out of this. I shall find out tomorrow though. I honestly just want to get my life on track - go back to work, school, (and that means real work and real school, not physical slaving at a mess hall kitchen and taking easy 100-200 level basic college classes). Instead of taking my mom's money for commissary and basic needs here, I want to go back to making my own money so I can pay off my debts and gradually pay my parents back for all their support and eventually take care of them.
So, best case scenario, I will get approval for the halfway house and go as planned. Worst case scenario, I will get sent back to max for refusing the treatment program and maybe even go to lock. I don't know what I'll do if they make me go and ruin all my future plans just because they need to fill another bed. I might just be tempted to give them a piece of my mind. Sigh. Wish me luck. Pray for me. Here goes nothing =/
So, best case scenario, I will get approval for the halfway house and go as planned. Worst case scenario, I will get sent back to max for refusing the treatment program and maybe even go to lock. I don't know what I'll do if they make me go and ruin all my future plans just because they need to fill another bed. I might just be tempted to give them a piece of my mind. Sigh. Wish me luck. Pray for me. Here goes nothing =/
(ok back on track) 1 year and 3 days
Every inch of my body huts. I'm exhausted and my hands are torn up, burnt, cut, bruised, etc. But it's not the physical pain I can't deal with. They have me listed to see classification on Tuesday to possibly go to the 9 month substance abuse program that they have here. If they told me this from the beginning, I would have accepted it and planned around it. But all along, they told me once I was done with max, I would go to grounds and straight toward the halfway house, where I can work a real paying job and take classes, etc. Now they suddenly want to send me to this program.
I'm not a drug addict. I'm not an alcoholic. I have no prior history of anything. I was a normal adolescent who made a mistake and lost one of my closest friends as a result. It was an accident and I can assure you, it would NEVER happen again. I'm doing my time day for day and that's fine with me, but don't you think I'm a perfect candidate for the halfway house? I've never gotten into trouble, I follow all the rules; all I want to do is try to get my life on track after all of this, especially for my parents. Trust me, I am SO sorry; you have no idea just how much I think of my friend who died in the accident.
I'm just so broken down. I can't stop crying inside and I've lost all my strength and don't know how to get it back. I try so hard and nothing seems to work out right. I just can't handle it anymore. Maybe sleep would help me out but I can't even get that. My body hurts, my heart hurts, everything just hurts.
I'm not a drug addict. I'm not an alcoholic. I have no prior history of anything. I was a normal adolescent who made a mistake and lost one of my closest friends as a result. It was an accident and I can assure you, it would NEVER happen again. I'm doing my time day for day and that's fine with me, but don't you think I'm a perfect candidate for the halfway house? I've never gotten into trouble, I follow all the rules; all I want to do is try to get my life on track after all of this, especially for my parents. Trust me, I am SO sorry; you have no idea just how much I think of my friend who died in the accident.
I'm just so broken down. I can't stop crying inside and I've lost all my strength and don't know how to get it back. I try so hard and nothing seems to work out right. I just can't handle it anymore. Maybe sleep would help me out but I can't even get that. My body hurts, my heart hurts, everything just hurts.
(sorry guys a little out of order) 36 weeks:
The days pass by one by one and I've gotten to the point where my feelings of missing home and loved ones have grown numb. They say it only gets easier over time, but that is far from the case with me. I feel like I can only hold out so much longer before I break.
Maybe it's the crappy weather lately and the coming of winter that has been getting me down or maybe my lack of mail and visits lately or perhaps a combination of everything. I just have the strong urge to cry and be held - like a big baby - but I'm fighting it.
I miss being a regular, normal part of people's lives on the outside. I miss being able to call whomever I'd like up when I want to speak to them. And I know I'm missed too and I'm grateful for that, but everyone has their own lives outside of me to make up for the lack of my presence. My entire life, however, is beyond these fences, and I am here....alone.
I promise to never take anything for granted again, especially when I get out. Any minor problems that may displease me can be dealt with. Any stressed can be handled. I feel like I'm in an emotional torture chamber. Some days are not so bad. Others are hard as hell. I know I will be just fine in the end - and I'm grateful to know that, but it still isn't easy. I know I've been through worse times and I've made it through, but it still isn't easy. Not at all.
People tell me how strong I am, but what is strength? Physically speaking, if a person lifts a heavy item, let's sad a bed, s/he is strong. But there are two types of people who lifts the bed. One who does it with ease. And one who struggles, sweats, moans, and finally lifts it. They both have lifted the same item and others may say, "Oh wow, the bed is moved. You are strong." But I'm not. I'm weak and it takes all my efforts to do something that may come easier to someone else. I'm simply exhausted from trying. How can I build my strength so that enduring hardships may come easier to me. And I never do it on my own either. The only way I can even "move a bed" is with the help of others. Or else I wouldn't make it at all.
I'm so emotionally drained, but I have a lot more time to do and so many more days to come....Hanging in....
Maybe it's the crappy weather lately and the coming of winter that has been getting me down or maybe my lack of mail and visits lately or perhaps a combination of everything. I just have the strong urge to cry and be held - like a big baby - but I'm fighting it.
I miss being a regular, normal part of people's lives on the outside. I miss being able to call whomever I'd like up when I want to speak to them. And I know I'm missed too and I'm grateful for that, but everyone has their own lives outside of me to make up for the lack of my presence. My entire life, however, is beyond these fences, and I am here....alone.
I promise to never take anything for granted again, especially when I get out. Any minor problems that may displease me can be dealt with. Any stressed can be handled. I feel like I'm in an emotional torture chamber. Some days are not so bad. Others are hard as hell. I know I will be just fine in the end - and I'm grateful to know that, but it still isn't easy. I know I've been through worse times and I've made it through, but it still isn't easy. Not at all.
People tell me how strong I am, but what is strength? Physically speaking, if a person lifts a heavy item, let's sad a bed, s/he is strong. But there are two types of people who lifts the bed. One who does it with ease. And one who struggles, sweats, moans, and finally lifts it. They both have lifted the same item and others may say, "Oh wow, the bed is moved. You are strong." But I'm not. I'm weak and it takes all my efforts to do something that may come easier to someone else. I'm simply exhausted from trying. How can I build my strength so that enduring hardships may come easier to me. And I never do it on my own either. The only way I can even "move a bed" is with the help of others. Or else I wouldn't make it at all.
I'm so emotionally drained, but I have a lot more time to do and so many more days to come....Hanging in....
(sorry guys a little out of order) 8 months: Life is a big logic game.
For those that know me, you'd know that I tend to analyze situations and try to solve issues by coming up with the most logical solutions. If x, then y; if y then z; therefor if x, then z. Sometimes, however, those solutions are not always the right ones - especially when it comes to people and emotions.
I've mentioned many times before that it was love from family and friends that have pulled me through, and are continuing to pull me through, the most recent difficulties in life. That's because of the value I put on that love and perhaps without it, I wouldn't have developed any meaning and purpose to continue living after everything that's happened.
Loe has always been an important part of my life. I think the reason I can recognize this now and put such a high value on it has to do with the fact that I've never realized I had it in the past. All through growing up, I wanted everything for my parents to love me for everything I am - positives and negatives, strengths and weaknesses. I never thought they truly loved me because they always criticized everything I did and nothing was ever good enough. Although I recognize now that they only wanted the best for me and just wanted me to strive towards perfection, at the time, there was only one thing going on in my head: "If my parents keep criticizing me, then nothing I do is right; therefor I suck at life (maybe I should give up) and they don't love me for who I am." This may seem like an irrational conclusion to one person, but as someone who, even according to psychologists in 3rd grade, had "low self-esteem" it is a perfectly logical path of reasoning.
Now, I don't blame my parents for being this way. I took it the wrong way and didn't handle myself well. In fact, I'm grateful that they care enough to want the best from me and I'm forever sorrowful that I haven't met that expectation (although I am trying my best now, I promise). But I'm just stating this is why there have been points in my life in the past where I've stopped trying, or just didn't love myself enough. I didn't understand or see things the way I do now.
The other day, I was watching the movie "Akeelah the Bee". For those of you who haven't seen the movie, there's a little boy in it who has an intensely strict father. The father tells the boy he had better finish first in the spelling bee. Don't let your parents efforts go to waste. Don't disappoint us. Can you imagine the pressure and weight on that little boy's shoulders? I just wanted to hug him and tell him he's not a failure even if he finishes last in that spelling competition. Just do your best and have fun with it. Your parents, your father, is only hard on you because he wants the best for you and its the only way he knows how to express his love because of how he was raised and where he came from. They only criticize you so you can improve, not because everything you do is wrong and not because you can never amount to anything which gets to be hard on you because the more someone you care about says something, the more you start to believe it.
Sometimes even if x, then y and y then z, x is not always z. There can be other factors to consider. Another example of this: if your friends don't come visit you in prison or write you for x amount of time, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't think of you or care about it. It could just mean that they have been busy or are just plain lazy mofos that can't get out of their comfy homes. Of maybe they think others are visiting you and you'll be ok. Who knows. (side note from the typer: hahaha as her very good friend who doesn't write to her often...all i can say is...SHE WOOOOUUULLLLDDDDD....HAHA)
If you make mistakes, you're not necessarily a worthless piece of shit - you're just human. If your parents tell you nothing you do is right, it doesn't mean they don't love you and that you can never amount to anything. People are more complex than x, y, and z. If x, then maybe c, mayke k, maybe q, or R. Who knows? Logic doesn't always mix with emotion and reason. In fact, there are endless possibilities and its what you make of it that gives the end result. And I intend to make the best of it all from here on out.
I've mentioned many times before that it was love from family and friends that have pulled me through, and are continuing to pull me through, the most recent difficulties in life. That's because of the value I put on that love and perhaps without it, I wouldn't have developed any meaning and purpose to continue living after everything that's happened.
Loe has always been an important part of my life. I think the reason I can recognize this now and put such a high value on it has to do with the fact that I've never realized I had it in the past. All through growing up, I wanted everything for my parents to love me for everything I am - positives and negatives, strengths and weaknesses. I never thought they truly loved me because they always criticized everything I did and nothing was ever good enough. Although I recognize now that they only wanted the best for me and just wanted me to strive towards perfection, at the time, there was only one thing going on in my head: "If my parents keep criticizing me, then nothing I do is right; therefor I suck at life (maybe I should give up) and they don't love me for who I am." This may seem like an irrational conclusion to one person, but as someone who, even according to psychologists in 3rd grade, had "low self-esteem" it is a perfectly logical path of reasoning.
Now, I don't blame my parents for being this way. I took it the wrong way and didn't handle myself well. In fact, I'm grateful that they care enough to want the best from me and I'm forever sorrowful that I haven't met that expectation (although I am trying my best now, I promise). But I'm just stating this is why there have been points in my life in the past where I've stopped trying, or just didn't love myself enough. I didn't understand or see things the way I do now.
The other day, I was watching the movie "Akeelah the Bee". For those of you who haven't seen the movie, there's a little boy in it who has an intensely strict father. The father tells the boy he had better finish first in the spelling bee. Don't let your parents efforts go to waste. Don't disappoint us. Can you imagine the pressure and weight on that little boy's shoulders? I just wanted to hug him and tell him he's not a failure even if he finishes last in that spelling competition. Just do your best and have fun with it. Your parents, your father, is only hard on you because he wants the best for you and its the only way he knows how to express his love because of how he was raised and where he came from. They only criticize you so you can improve, not because everything you do is wrong and not because you can never amount to anything which gets to be hard on you because the more someone you care about says something, the more you start to believe it.
Sometimes even if x, then y and y then z, x is not always z. There can be other factors to consider. Another example of this: if your friends don't come visit you in prison or write you for x amount of time, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't think of you or care about it. It could just mean that they have been busy or are just plain lazy mofos that can't get out of their comfy homes. Of maybe they think others are visiting you and you'll be ok. Who knows. (side note from the typer: hahaha as her very good friend who doesn't write to her often...all i can say is...SHE WOOOOUUULLLLDDDDD....HAHA)
If you make mistakes, you're not necessarily a worthless piece of shit - you're just human. If your parents tell you nothing you do is right, it doesn't mean they don't love you and that you can never amount to anything. People are more complex than x, y, and z. If x, then maybe c, mayke k, maybe q, or R. Who knows? Logic doesn't always mix with emotion and reason. In fact, there are endless possibilities and its what you make of it that gives the end result. And I intend to make the best of it all from here on out.
(sorry guys a little out of order) 33 weeks: Is it like in the movies?
When I found out I would be coming to prison, I took the liberty of watching as many prison movies or even movies with scenes in prison facilities as possible. I pretty much didn't know anyone that's really served any time before and I wanted to prepare myself as much as I could. I knew you can't trust what movies portray, but it was all I had. That, and message forums that I found on the internet, as well as books and newspaper articles.
Today, I had an appointment at the Community Center, where we can watch DVDs on a larger flat screen high definition television (still not even as big as the one I had at home, but better quality than anything I've watched since being locked up, so for us, it's like going to the movie theater). We watched Shawshank's Redemption today. It was interesting to see a prison movie while actually being in prison. Now, I can make real life contrasts and comparisons. And no, it's not like the movies - but there are many, many similarities.
Staring at and scaring the newcomers when they first come in. People who have "hook-ups" that sell things you aren't supposed to have. Count times and meal times in the crowded mess hall. Inmates becoming institutionalized after being here for so long that they don't even know what to do with themselves once released. But the best relation I found was when the main character, Andy, plays music on the loudspeaker and tells his fellow inmates how they may be able to lock him up, but they can never take an individual's mind. To hear music in your head, to have your own thoughts. You will always remain free in that aspect and if you grasp onto that concept, you'll realize that is what's important.
It's crazy even being able to relate to these prison movies. Sometimes it's still surreal to me. I'm growing, but I'll always be the same person because even if I may be physically locked up, I'd still like to consider my mind and soul to always be as free as a bird.
Today, I had an appointment at the Community Center, where we can watch DVDs on a larger flat screen high definition television (still not even as big as the one I had at home, but better quality than anything I've watched since being locked up, so for us, it's like going to the movie theater). We watched Shawshank's Redemption today. It was interesting to see a prison movie while actually being in prison. Now, I can make real life contrasts and comparisons. And no, it's not like the movies - but there are many, many similarities.
Staring at and scaring the newcomers when they first come in. People who have "hook-ups" that sell things you aren't supposed to have. Count times and meal times in the crowded mess hall. Inmates becoming institutionalized after being here for so long that they don't even know what to do with themselves once released. But the best relation I found was when the main character, Andy, plays music on the loudspeaker and tells his fellow inmates how they may be able to lock him up, but they can never take an individual's mind. To hear music in your head, to have your own thoughts. You will always remain free in that aspect and if you grasp onto that concept, you'll realize that is what's important.
It's crazy even being able to relate to these prison movies. Sometimes it's still surreal to me. I'm growing, but I'll always be the same person because even if I may be physically locked up, I'd still like to consider my mind and soul to always be as free as a bird.
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