(sorry guys a little out of order) 8 months: Life is a big logic game.

For those that know me, you'd know that I tend to analyze situations and try to solve issues by coming up with the most logical solutions. If x, then y; if y then z; therefor if x, then z. Sometimes, however, those solutions are not always the right ones - especially when it comes to people and emotions.

I've mentioned many times before that it was love from family and friends that have pulled me through, and are continuing to pull me through, the most recent difficulties in life. That's because of the value I put on that love and perhaps without it, I wouldn't have developed any meaning and purpose to continue living after everything that's happened.

Loe has always been an important part of my life. I think the reason I can recognize this now and put such a high value on it has to do with the fact that I've never realized I had it in the past. All through growing up, I wanted everything for my parents to love me for everything I am - positives and negatives, strengths and weaknesses. I never thought they truly loved me because they always criticized everything I did and nothing was ever good enough. Although I recognize now that they only wanted the best for me and just wanted me to strive towards perfection, at the time, there was only one thing going on in my head: "If my parents keep criticizing me, then nothing I do is right; therefor I suck at life (maybe I should give up) and they don't love me for who I am." This may seem like an irrational conclusion to one person, but as someone who, even according to psychologists in 3rd grade, had "low self-esteem" it is a perfectly logical path of reasoning.

Now, I don't blame my parents for being this way. I took it the wrong way and didn't handle myself well. In fact, I'm grateful that they care enough to want the best from me and I'm forever sorrowful that I haven't met that expectation (although I am trying my best now, I promise). But I'm just stating this is why there have been points in my life in the past where I've stopped trying, or just didn't love myself enough. I didn't understand or see things the way I do now.

The other day, I was watching the movie "Akeelah the Bee". For those of you who haven't seen the movie, there's a little boy in it who has an intensely strict father. The father tells the boy he had better finish first in the spelling bee. Don't let your parents efforts go to waste. Don't disappoint us. Can you imagine the pressure and weight on that little boy's shoulders? I just wanted to hug him and tell him he's not a failure even if he finishes last in that spelling competition. Just do your best and have fun with it. Your parents, your father, is only hard on you because he wants the best for you and its the only way he knows how to express his love because of how he was raised and where he came from. They only criticize you so you can improve, not because everything you do is wrong and not because you can never amount to anything which gets to be hard on you because the more someone you care about says something, the more you start to believe it.

Sometimes even if x, then y and y then z, x is not always z. There can be other factors to consider. Another example of this: if your friends don't come visit you in prison or write you for x amount of time, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't think of you or care about it. It could just mean that they have been busy or are just plain lazy mofos that can't get out of their comfy homes. Of maybe they think others are visiting you and you'll be ok. Who knows. (side note from the typer: hahaha as her very good friend who doesn't write to her often...all i can say is...SHE WOOOOUUULLLLDDDDD....HAHA)

If you make mistakes, you're not necessarily a worthless piece of shit - you're just human. If your parents tell you nothing you do is right, it doesn't mean they don't love you and that you can never amount to anything. People are more complex than x, y, and z. If x, then maybe c, mayke k, maybe q, or R. Who knows? Logic doesn't always mix with emotion and reason. In fact, there are endless possibilities and its what you make of it that gives the end result. And I intend to make the best of it all from here on out.