MY FIRST DAY

Year one, day one: Today, I was sentenced. No surprises, taken just as my lawyer told me it would happen and yet, it still didn't make it any easier. I left the world I was familiar with, a place with loving friends. Where did I go? Jail. The experience? Honestly, I felt as if I were a dog being thrown in the pound. I sat around for hours locked in a single room behind the court room and as I was taken there with handcuffs, walking by several mail inmates making crude remarks and racial slurs at me. The loud voices were giving me the biggest headache ever. Luckily enough, the nurse at medical was kind enough to supply me with some Tylenol. Everything seems completely surreal at this point. I think I'm relatively good at adapting to unfamiliar situations though. I've never before missed my family and friends as much as right now. There are so many completely psychotic and problematic people in society that I never really thought to ever encounter. I'm like in a zoo with wild animals behind bars. Definitely not something I'd ever imagine to have to experience. What a fucking day.

A few extra days.

No, I'm not gone yet! My lawyer apparently had to be in Texas today and told me just a few days ago that my sentencing date would be postponed by a few days to Friday. The funny thing was, I had to call him to figure this out. What if I hadn't called him? When was he planning on telling me? I know he probably thinks of court dates like dentist appointments, but this is my life here. This is the day I leave my current world, my friends and family, for a whole different unfamiliar kind of place. I know such a thing has become routine for someone like my lawyer, but I wish he could be a little more thoughtful and compassionate towards me.

At least everything worked out and the court and prosecutor agreed with the short adjournment which means I get a few extra days to take care of what I need to take care of and spend a little more time with friends and family. To think that I would already have been sitting behind bars at this very moment today is a bit of a scary thought.

I have a pretty packed schedule the rest of this week. I'm feeling rather special and loved lately. My mom is being nice more often these days, yelling a little less and asking me what I'd like to eat. My friends are all treating me to eat at some of my favorite restaurants. Everyone knows how much I love food I guess, but as much as I do love food, I appreciate and enjoy the thought, the love, the quality time spent with them even more. I'm so cheesy, I know. I mean it though. I feel as if every single day has been my birthday lately and I have the best friends that anyone could ask for. I don't know what I'd do without them, seriously. When you see how others care for you, it absolutely provides you with all the more reason to care for yourself. I will stay as strong as I can, I promise you all.

We'll keep it as our little secret.

"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith." -Henry Ward Beecher

Let's be honest. There are moments I'm scared fucking shitless. There are also the moments I feel that I can take on the world. What's the purpose of letting the anxiety from fear run your life? It doesn't do any good. I'm a firm believer of stopping yourself after a brief time of being scared, breaking down, etc., and just have a little faith and pick yourself up again. Think about all the struggles and hard times you've faced and managed to get through in the past. Times you thought there was no hope and you thought you had given up completely. Times you couldn't feel anything but pain and hurting. Yet you're still here today, making the most of what you can and enjoying the moments of the present. I'm referring to myself and this is my way of not being so frightened for the near future. Six more days until I'm taken under the hands of the State's judicial system. Who knows what happens from there. How many weeks or months in County before being transferred to prison, what it will be like, how others will treat me. I read countless information and such the other day trying to find out as much as possible. I must convince myself of all the reasons not to be afraid.

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today." -William Allen White

I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid!!!!! ...Deep inside, I'm still a fucking big pansy of a fraidy-cat.

There is always a reason to smile.

I'm thankful for and grateful more than ever before for all the little things, from materialistic to nonmaterial items, there's no doubt I will miss them all:

The food I am able to eat and enjoy everyday.

The comfortable bed and room that I sleep in.

My electronic toothbrush.

Clean undies and clothes to put on my back.

Some makeup and hair products to make myself more presentable each day.

My cell phone that I can call or text anybody I'd like from whenever I'd like to.

Computer and internet access regularly.

Television shows and countless movies to watch.

Music to listen to whether from the radio or ipod.

Being able to type to write instead of using an actual pen or pencil.

Drinking hot green tea when I'm cold.

Eating whatever random items I crave.

Painting my nails different colors when I'm bored.

Taking walks or going for jogs at the park.

Coming home to my dog.

Watching the sunset outside.

The smile on family and friend's faces when they enjoy my cooking.

Spending time doing anything with friends.

Traveling to new and exciting and beautiful places.

Spending holidays with loved ones.

Playtex Gentle tampons as opposed to whatever they will give me in prison.

Finding quotes or corny jokes online.

Watching television before I fall asleep.

Drinking a glass of wine with dinner after a long day at work.

Eating late night snacks with friends.

Skiing, swimming, shooting ranges, tennis, basketball, poker, ice skating, rockband, clamming.

My blingin' ass jewelry especially my big blingin' rings.

Dates, relationships, meeting new people, crushes, stupid boy drama.

Watching old home videos or looking at pictures.

Useless time on facebook seeing what's going on with people and playing computer games.

Picking up and skimming through countless books at Borders.

Planning activities with friends.

Laughing and goofing off about almost anything.

Spontaneous road trips.

Comforting hugs and smiles with loved ones.

Seeing or talking to friends and family on a regular basis.

Having my dog follow me around the house everywhere and sitting on my lap falling asleep.

Showering in a private area, having two towels- one for hair one for body.

Hair products, razors, tweezers, nail files, scented body lotion, facial lotion.

Eating out, cooking in.

Playing piano when I feel like it.

I could go on and on with this list. I'm good with going back to the basics though. I still have what's most important in life and that is what I am MOST grateful for: Love and support from family and friends, health, life, a past, present and future, strength and hope, basic essentials to survive, three visitation days a week and communication via mail, a reason to smile.

Just send them to this place that people go when they do bad things.

Our judicial system, like any other, is highly flawed. Nothing is perfect though and I've accepted that. What matters is we try our absolute best, right? My question is if this country does always have its peoples' best interest at heart or their own.

Sending someone to prison is our country's solution to almost every matter. First off, I'm a firm believer in finding the most appropriate sentence for each specific individual. No case is the same. Of course, murderers and sex offenders and repeat offenders need complete punishment for being majorly fucked up people in society and deserve to be locked up. Drug offenders need rehabilitation and psychotherapists helping them deal with whatever issues that have led them to having drug problems. Instead of never being flexible with minimum and maximum terms, no early release acts, and failure to individually analyze each specific person and help them grow and work through their issues in whatever way possible, why not take the extra time and money for this that will pay off in the end instead of shipping everyone off to facilities for however long which in the end will cost taxpayers more money either way. People in prison are either repeat offenders or one time mistakes. Repeat offenders especially need treatment, therapy or just someone to talk to sometimes. Throwing them behind bars time and time again isn't doing anything but wasting our money and their life. They need help figuring out the root of their problems and they need hope and desire to change.

Do me a favor and take a second to google and read about the "prison industrial complex." The United States now imprisons more people than any other country, including China. No, it's not because there are more criminals here. The crime rate has actually gone down since the prison boom. The enormous increase in America's inmate population can be explained in large part by the sentences given to people who have committed crimes other than the murderers, the sex offenders, the thieves. Crimes that in other countries would usually lead to community service, fines, or drug treatment or would not be considered crimes at all in the United States now lead to a prison term, by far the most expensive form of punishment. "No matter what the question has been in American criminal justice over the last generation," says Franklin E. Zimring, the director of the Earl Warren Legal Institute, "prison has been the answer." Is this always the right thing? I'm not even sure.

Don't get me wrong, I've personally chosen to accept my plea offer as opposed to go to trial and I willingly will be going away in two weeks even when my lawyer told me that if there was any case like this that would have a shot at winning, it would be mine. It's still a risk and stress and a heartache that I'd rather not bother to put my family and myself through. I'm not sure how much more I would have been able to handle. I'm just saying that I believe I can do a lot better in society out of prison than not. No, I'm not a celebrity or icon to the general public (which is why they never serve more than a little bit of their sentence by the way; i.e., T.I. going for one year with his 10000th offense this time being holding enough weapons to kill masses.) My parents are getting old though. The State is punishing them most which is the part that hurts me most. I've stressed them out and disappointed them enough in my life and have been doing nothing but working to change that little by little in the past years. Then 2009 happens just as I was getting on the right track. It's ok, shit happens. I'm healthy and alive and still have my life ahead of me. I can make the best of it and have the time for all the thinking I need in there. I can possibly pass on hope to others that might be a little more lost than me as well right? Damn, I'm just babbling now and have no clue what the general purpose of this entry was. I think I need some fresh air.

Ok, there we go. I'll conclude with this: A suitable sentence for me in a make-believe world could possibly be house arrest with the exception of going to work. Staying with my parents for X amount of time to make them rest assure that all is well and so that they are able to witness my daily activities that include working, working and more working. Working toward making a living and accomplishing something in this world, making better use of myself in society, making money so they can sooner retire happily and not worry about me. Trust me, this house arrest idea is completely to benefit my parents. For me, it would probably be more torturous than prison and anyone who really knows them might know why I say this. The only benefit would be the food, sleeping comfortably on a nice bed and being able to shower alone.

One big apology.

As the new year begins, I look back at 2009 and I look back at the past years of my life. I think about my new year resolutions that I've made-- most of which were repeatedly unaccomplished. I didn't make any resolutions this year or list any goals that I have for 2010. It will be about 3 weeks until I go away and I have but one main focus for the next few years: to stay strong and make the best of what I am given and to concentrate on the fact that I'm alive and I do have a future to work towards when I get out.

Why is it so difficult for me to achieve goals that I make? Why do I try and try and fail and fail? Whenever I'm finally close and on my way, something happens to knock me down hard. I know I'm not alone though, I know that almost everyone faces many struggles in life that at times can take years and years to overcome and there are no shortcuts to anywhere in life worth going. I know everyone has setbacks and bumps in the road as well, whether small or big, miniscule or tragic. As much as hardships get me down at times, I know I won't ever completely give up and lose hope. It doesn't mean that isn't hard though. It's hard as fucking hell. Sometimes I simply feel out of breath, out of energy, out of emotion, just plain ol' exhausted. It's all too fucking much..

Most new years resolutions are about realizing faults as well as strengths and working toward making yourself a better you than you were last year. I'm going to start this year by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry 2009, I'm sorry for past years before 2009, I'm sorry for any mistakes I will make in the future as well, despite my constant efforts not to. I'm sorry to everyone I've let down in my lifetime thus far which includes friends, acquaintances, perhaps ex-boyfriends and such, co-workers, myself of course and most importantly, my family. I'm sorry I suck at so many things and I'm sorry that I've brought some sort of twist of bad luck and a big fat mess to pretty much almost everyone I've encountered. I don't know what the purpose of this entry was really. I'm just genuinely truly really sincerely, and as many other synonyms you can find for REALLY REALLY apologetic. :( I hope that one day, my heart will show through and nothing further can possibly hinder my efforts any further. All I ask for is continued strength for the years to come. On the bright side, if I could get through the occurrences of 2009, I believe I can get through anything... Just pretty please, take it a little easier on me will you?