Just thought I'd share with you my Phase 4 letter/essay that I wrote my Counselor at the halfway house in order to convince her to transition me to the highest phase level in the Program facility:
Acceptance, growth, patience,
perseverance, strength, optimism, and appreciation. These are just a few of the
words I associate with when I think of my journey and experience here at
Millicent Fenwick House. Being a more long-term resident of this facility since
June 2011 has granted me the opportunity to accomplish goals of mine and
prepare myself for my release in January 2013. It has been a long journey, but
I am so utterly grateful for each and every step of the way.
Acceptance. Sometimes, we make
mistakes and put ourselves in situations that aren’t ideal, to say the least. Sometimes,
life puts us in circumstances that are beyond our control. Learning to accept
and deal with them accordingly can be a difficult and struggling process. Over
the past 18 months at Fenwick house, I have learned to accept quite a few
things. For one, I’ve had to accept the fact that I am still incarcerated and
will remain under DOC guidelines until January 2013. In many instances, I found
myself thinking negatively and impatiently eager to be free. I felt guilt for
having placed me in this type of situation to begin with, guilt for all that
has happened. Acceptance was something that I still struggled to overcome.
Gradually though, I became accustomed to the fact that there was nothing I
could do to change that, and I was simply going to make the most of what I
could do. Secondly, I had to learn to accept my parents for who they were.
Accept that they most likely weren’t going to change their old ways, and that
the only thing I could do was to change the way I handled and reacted to them.
Their love for me was always shown in a more criticizing and old-fashioned way.
Of course, I never liked that. In fact,
I hated it so much that my relationship was torn apart in the past. Although my
relationship with my parents, especially my mother, has improved drastically, I
have realized that they are still the same people. The only thing that has
changed is me and my acceptance of how they are. Lastly, I have had to learn to
accept myself as well as my imperfections. This is something that I’ve
struggled with through my entire life, especially due to the high expectations
from my parents. What my parents have failed to realize though, is that I am even
harder on myself than they are on me. I deal with guilt and stress when I am
not where I should be, when I make mistakes, when things don’t go my way.
However, over the course of my time at the halfway house, I have been able to
learn that it’s okay that I’m not perfect. It’s okay that I’ve made mistakes,
or that things don’t always go according to plan. What’s important is that I
have learned from them, and that I make adjustments or have a plan B, and that
I recognize my strengths along with my weaknesses. Nothing that exists is
perfect, and something that makes that great is the fact that we can learn to
deal with and handle the imperfections.
Growth. A Canadian philosopher
named Jean Vanier once said, “Growth
begins when we begin to accept our own weakness.” I can complete
agree with and relate to this statement. In the past, I would deny any
weaknesses I had and become defensive to others’ criticisms. I didn’t want to
acknowledge those parts of me, partially because I didn’t know how to work on
them yet. However, over the course of the past few years, I have come to
realize that nobody, including myself, is perfect, and there is absolutely
nothing wrong with that. We all make mistakes and we all have our weaknesses.
One of my biggest weaknesses include being extremely hard on myself. However, I
have learned to take my weaknesses and only work on trying to improve them.
Although I still become disappointed when things are not at 100%, I am okay
with it and I only try to figure out what I can do to improve, instead of
dwelling on the fact that it wasn’t perfect to begin with.
Patience is a virtue. 19 months
is a long time to stay at a halfway house facility. However, from my 3 year
sentence, I have been extremely grateful to have been able to do over half my
sentence at Fenwick as opposed to Edna Mahan, Bo Robinson, or any of those
places. Over the past 3 years, and especially now that my time left is getting
short, I have learned to have a great deal of patience. Patience, not only with
time, but with people, and with goals of mine. All through my incarceration,
I’ve been waiting for my release date, just like any other inmate usually does.
Counting the months, the years, the days. Never dreaming that it would ever
come. Now that it’s almost here, I’m pretty much shocked at how I’ve managed to
get through the past 3 years. Patience is one of those reasons I was able to
make it through. I think that everyone would agree with me when I say that you
definitely need a lot of patience to get through your time at Fenwick. Living
in a house of 50 women who are not exactly in the most ideal circumstances is
far from easy. Learning to deal with and handle everything in the best fashion
possible takes every ounce out of you at times. Yearning to go home, to be free
again, to sleep in silence again, or not have to bring a shower caddy into the
bathroom every day. Traveling about 2 hours to and from school or work on
public transportation. Not being able to get my license back for 5 years. Not
having a boyfriend when my friends have seemed to all have gotten married and
even have kids since I’ve been gone. Slowly working to getting my life on track
one step at a time to prepare myself for my release. Patience.
Perseverance.
This is something that I have definitely come to learn the true meaning of
while at Fenwick house. I can honestly say that I cannot remember a time I’ve
strived for and worked harder for to reach my goals, not giving up in times of
difficulty, but instead, working even harder yet. I’ve realized that things are
possible and that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Therefore, I anticipate and
expect difficulties to arise, but I know that I can figure out a way to get
through them. I feel as if I have demonstrated this not only by finishing my
bachelor’s degree at Rutgers this past year, but making Dean’s list, by being
able to work at a job that is rewarding and helpful and therefore leading to
obtaining a full-time position upon my release, by working on my relationship
with my parents, by working on my own weaknesses, and by striving to remain
positive through all that has happened.
Some people say that strength is
an innate trait that individuals have or don’t have. I disagree with this.
Strength is something mustered up from within, and comes through hardships,
difficulties, and experiences. I can honestly say that I have become a lot
stronger of a person over the course of my 18 months at Fenwick House. Why?
Because I endured the tough times, persevered through, and kept faith in myself
as well as my future. That, as well as the support and encouragement from my
loved ones and those around me at times. Gandhi once said that strength doesn’t
come from physical capacity, but an indomitable will. That will and drive
towards living, towards striving, and moving forward.
Optimism.
Many people tend to believe that I’m just naturally optimistic at heart, but I
beg to differ. It’s not easy staying positive majority of the time; it’s
actually quite a struggle. It’s especially difficult in times of crisis and
hardship, such as when a loved one dies, or if you are the cause of their
death, or if you are incarcerated, or simply when everything in life seems
difficult and your goals seem far from reach. There’s a book called “The
Secret” that I read in Edna Mahan, along with many other self-help and
motivating books. Basically, they all tell you a similar thing: the law of
attraction. If you think positively, positive things will attract to you. How
do you think positively when every thought that enters your head seems to be
negative? Force yourself. There’s an exercise I tried that tells you to change
every negative thought you have into a positive one. At first, it was extremely
difficult. However, for some reason now, it becomes second nature and I can’t
even get rid of the positivity even if I tried to. Hence, the optimism. When
things look as if there is no hope, there is always hope. I’ve learned that you
simply have to never give up, and to keep believing and having faith. Not only
in God or the natural fate of the universe, but in yourself as well. While at
Fenwick house, there were many occasions I can think of where I was close to
losing faith. Difficult times can make you do that. However, forcing myself to
look at the positive and staying optimistic allowed me to discover that you
should never lose faith or hope.
Appreciation. There are so many
things I am tremendously appreciative of. During my stay here at Fenwick, I
have been granted the opportunity to finish my Bachelors degree at Rutgers
University, study and take a prep class for the LSATs in order to get into Law
school, obtain part-time jobs to save up a little bit of money for security
deposit and first month rent for an apartment upon my release, spend time at
home with my family and continue to work on our relationship, and potentially
even obtain a full-time job with Rutgers University after my release. Words
can’t even express how grateful I am for being allowed these opportunities
while still being incarcerated. I’m also enormously blessed to have loved ones
in my life such as my family and friends that have been there for me through
this entire process. I recognize that not everybody I come across is always so
fortunate. This only makes me more appreciative of everything. I’m also
grateful for the simple fact that I’m alive today. It was nothing short of a
miracle that I survived the fatal car accident that resulted in my
incarceration. I can never forget that or take my life for granted again. I’m
appreciative of the fact that I’m not in Edna Mahan anymore and haven’t been
for 18 months now. When I had to return to prison for my yearly gynecological
visit, it was a reminder of how lucky I am to be in Fenwick opposed to there.
When I returned to Bo Robinson during Hurricane Sandy, it was another reality
check as well and reminder as to somewhere I never want to see again and never
plan on seeing again either. I would definitely say that each day is a blessing,
and it’s something I don’t plan on losing sight of even after my release, for
the rest of my life.
I don’t know what the future may
bring, but I do know that having learned acceptance, growth, patience,
strength, optimism, and appreciation, I know I will be just fine. When I first
came to Millicent Fenwick House approximately 18 months ago, I said to myself,
“I will get to Phase 4 before I leave.” I was going to be a resident here for
19 months, so I surely had enough time to accomplish what I wanted to
accomplish, and make my way up to Phase 4. As I have 1 month until my release
date, I am writing to accomplish this goal of mine. Over the past 18 months, I
have not only achieved success in some areas of my life, but I have always
tried to help those around me in any way possible as well. As tiresome as
working and classes can be, I try to make time when other residents ask me for
help. Whether it is math, writing, college courses or GED, letters to the court
for civil or divorce matters, or even something simple like using the computer,
I attempt to help whomever I can whenever I can. Also, offering positive
encouragement and support or advice is something rewarding to me that I try to
offer to anyone I’m able to communicate with through the duration of my stay. I
believe that I have been a good Phase 3 resident, and granted all that I have
learned, I am ready to move to Phase 4 before my release. Thank you J
