Still 2 months: We meet everyone for a reason

I met an intelligent, kind, and strong young lady around my age that seems to have a lot in common with me. First off, we are here for the same charge and it is her first of any charges as well. In her accident, a motorcyclist who was intoxicated, speeding, crashed into her car and passed. Alcohol was found to be in her blood as well though, and she took a plea offer for 5 years with 85%. She is trying to appeal her sentence because the prosecutor originally promised her 3 years like me, but went back on his word at sentencing.

What makes us have more in common, though, is our view and outlook on life since our accidents. Perhaps it has to do with us being born only one day apart in the same month, sharing characteristics of the same zodiac. Perhaps it has to do with our upbringing and inner strengths. Either way, she's the first other person I've met here that has acknowledged how much she's grateful for, has learned and grown and taken as much positive as possible from the tragedies life has thrown at us, and waits to make a difference in the future by living for others in addition to herself and trying to help others so they might not have to learn things the hard way. Although it wasn't her friend that she lost, its nice talking to someone who somewhat knows how I feel and is determined and uplifting. Maybe in the future, we can speak to young adults together or try to get new laws passed to help prevent as many future accidents as possible.

No matter what the reason is that women have ended up here in prison, it is most important that they learn from it and move forward in life. It's unfortunate that most of these women have yet to do so, either because of lack of willpower, denial, lack of love in their life, hope, knowledge, etc. Some just don't give a shit about anything. Others try to but don't believe they have enough strength to change. All I know is it's rare to meet another who stays positive as much as she can, who is adamant about making a difference and learning from everything life throws at us, who is fortunate to have love and support in her life as well and move than willing to share that love and hope with those that don't. With that, I feel slightly less alone.....

2 months gone by: Everyday is a battle we've won

Sometimes I take countless naps all through the day to drift me away from this place and make my days go by faster. Other times, like tonight, I find myself unable to fall asleep, my mind racing. I think of people I miss and tears form inside my eyes. I wonder what my family and friends are doing. I haven't had any contact with anyone since I arrived at state prison because I haven't gotten my list of phone numbers approved yet and am still awaiting mail. It's only been a week here in reception but it feels like so much longer. Today is my father's birthday and I made and sent a card, but wish I could call home.

I think of my sister a lot, far across the country. Hearing her voice once a week while in county jail kept me sane. I'm sad beyond words that calling cell phones isn't allowed in state prison and therefore, I am unable to call her and won't see her for a while. I'm also missing her 21st birthday this month. I hope she is not worrying too much about me and enjoying her life a bit. The last thing I want is for my own hardships and struggles to affect those I care about in a negative way. Laugh and be merry and share those moments with me in letters and that is what would make me smile.

Geez, I am being too serious and sappy for my own good! I suppose that's what prison can do to you. There's a lot of depressing things around here and a lot of frustratingly troublematic people, some of which behave like rude children. It's a fight to stay strong, uplifting, and positive here. Everyday is a battle that I keep struggling to win. I just hope it gets easier after reception like others say. Once I start getting mail and visitations, I'm sure it will. I can't wait to hug something, see somebody that I care about and who cares about me. In a place filled with women, I couldn't feel more alone...

7 weeks: Reception at State Prison

A bus finally came to get me from county and transfer me to state prison. They took 5 of us. We are stuck in this hell hole of a place called reception for approximately 2 weeks where they test your blood for diseases, malnutrition, etc., meet with the psych to determine your mental health, take scholastic exams to test your level of education, and of course inform you of any rules and regulations. Then you get classified based on the nature of your crime, length of sentence, prior history, etc. , to see where you belong. In other words, do you go to minimum security, aka grounds where you can literally walk off the facility (of course getting an escape charge if you do), medium security which is behind fences but you live in dorms, max where you live in single cells and have intense supervision. They told me I'm on the border probably between medium and grounds, but may have to do a few months in medium first before being moved to grounds. I should be able to go to a halfway house after a year though. Reception is a giant room with bunk beds lined up, enough to accommodate 66 people. What sucks most is you have to shower in front of 6 other people at a time for your 2 week stay here. I've never seen so many boobs and nasty naked women and tattoos in my life. I try to stare at the wall, do what I have to do quickly and get the heck out! We all take turns with cleaning duties here; tonight I have to scrub the showers. Gross. After reception, I hope to get an administrative job of some kind so I don't have to clean. they say it's likely for me since I have higher education than most women here as well as office experience.

Everyone continues to ask me why I'm here. Every single day someone comes up to me telling me I don't look like I belong here. Well I'm here and sorry but it isn't any of your business! I know what they mean though. The "stereotypical" inmate is usually somewhat "gangsta" or hardcore looking. A certain toughness naturally exudes from most inmates. You can't always follow stereotypes though! Mostly, what they say in the movies appears true though. Lots of manly women, troublemakers, barely many who speak proper English, etc. Not everyone though. I guess my face just looks too innocent to mesh in or something. Maybe I should have gotten a few tats before my arrival. I can hold my own thought. I may look innocent but I'm not naive and I've seen or been through enough to make sure I don't get taken advantage of or mistreated. And I'm smart enough to stay as far away from trouble as possible.

Food is slightly more edible here than in county!! =) Today we had chicken salad with real tomatoes and real Breyer's yogurt. They give wheat bread instead of white, too, and multiple salt and pepper packets per meal - it's a miracle! Too bad they only give us like 10 minutes to scarf each meal down in reception. The number one thing I'm happy about right now though is that they give you brand spankin' new sheets and a real pillow here! Whoohoo! Funny how such simple things can make you so happy when its been taken away from you before. Goodbye old linty nasty county sheets. Goodbye and good riddance!

I still look around me sometimes in amazement that I'm actually in state prison. Khaki uniforms, fake Timberlands that you write your name on because people actually try to steal them. It's like in the movies except not as many fights breaking out constantly or people sneaking in Burger King Whoppers. So far, I saw one fight. Someone threw a mattress at another and then 10 guards came running in and brought them to lock in handcuffs. Guess what it was over? Fake Timberlands being stolen - yup. Extremely petty of those thieves to steal especially when everyone has the SAME things in reception! There are a few nice girls though - people from your own county stay together in reception since most don't know anyone else yet. I'll have to make nice with others soon though so that people will have my back if ever needed. The psych and doctor who took my blood both warned me of women who might try to have their way with me. Yes, there are those who will want to make any little thing their bitch and sexually harass you. The doc said watch out because I might be more at risk being "young, pretty and innocent looking". I don't feel pretty in these prison clothes and no makeup yet and short hair with no product! I will try to look better for visitations but that's about it. I'm still thinking of a way to show people no means hell no if anyone tries anything though. That is, without them thinking I'm a bitch, without being a snitch, and without getting written up for being in a fight. I'm sure I'll figure it out if the situation ever arises. Hopefully not - I have enough to deal with just being here as is.

One year since the accident

I remember it as if happened yesterday. The worst and hardest day of my life, how could I not. It still seems rather unreal at times - so unreal that the pain in my chest at every thought is somewhat suppressed. I can't believe it's been a year....

How would you feel if you lost one of your closest friends almost right before your eyes? How would you feel if you were the one driving the car and you dozed off and hit a truck on the shoulder? One minute you are driving cautiously, listening to music as your friend is taking a nap in the passenger seat - next minute you awaken after a horrible dream, a dream that a crash had happened and all you know is there was a huge WHAM!!! and a blackout, and now you don't know if you're still dreaming or you've died or what. You gain consciousness after having a concussion and see people gathered around your vehicle asking if you're okay. You realize that your car is destroyed and everything aches. You scream out your friends name repeatedly, but all she does is cough and lie there. "Help her!!! Somebody...please, help her right now!!!", you cry out to the people around you. They tell you the ambulance is on the way, but you're not in a state of panic and confusion. Are you still dreaming? Could this nightmare possibly be real? Please say no...

When help finally arrives, they carefully lift me out of the car and strap me into the stretcher. Why am I being separated from my friend? Please let me stay with her. Nobody listens. Nobody answers me as I continue to ask if she's ok. Tell me she's going to be just fine...She was breathing, coughing - how could she have not made it? How could such a sweet girl's life be taken at such a young age...Why was I the one to survive?

Just a few hours before the tragic accident happened, she was smiling, we both were. We always had a good time with each other...even when I had a bad day, she could always make me laugh. My dear friend, I love and miss you with all my heart...I think about you everyday, praying for the well being of you and your family, wishing I could be with you or speak to you or hug you. I think of all the memories we've had throughout the years - when we lived in the same apartment in college, our plans to get an apartment together again, all of our roadtrips, all the times we went to eat or simple meet up and talk, getting our hair done together, and all the other random things we used to do. I remember when we had fights and still ended up making up like sisters do because I missed you deeply when we wouldn't speak. I still can't believe you are gone at times. You will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. I never could delete your number from my phone, but instead stared at it wanting to call you, to hear your voice...

Since that horrible day one year ago, my life won't ever be the same. For whatever reason that I was kept on this earth still, I won't take it for granted. My life will be lived for my family and friends who gave me the strength to come back to life, and for my dear friend in Heaven who I will always think of until the day I see you once again. May you rest in eternal peace......<3