Yesterday, I sat down on a broken chair and busted my ass on the floor. Today, as I was reading a book outside, a bird shitted on my head. FML! I wonder what's in store for tomorrow.
My friend Lo was there to witness - and laugh her ass off - both momentous occasions. Yes Lo, just wait until a bird poops on your head! They say it's supposed to be good luck, but what the hell is good or lucky about poop being on your head? Nothing!
Oh yeah, I also was yelled at by a guard for bringing iced tea back from the cafeteria in my cup. You can bring milk back apparently, but not any other drinks. What's the big deal anyway? If I don't finish my drink, its going to go to waste anyway so why can't I bring it back to drink? Instead, I had to dump it on the grass. Retarded rules if you ask me.
Just a purposeless entry to make you laugh a little. So go ahead and laugh away, imagining my facial expression when I realized what the splat on my head was. Doh....
Oh and another little something you might find amusing. The guards found someone's handmade dildo the other day with a strap-on. He was waving it around even said to me, "If you see one of these, RUN." This place is a madhouse, but at least there are things that makes us laugh a little.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
11 Weeks: L'arte D'arrangiarsi
Today, I read in a book two Italian phrases that caught my attention. "Il bel far niente" means "The beauty of doing nothing" - which is apparently treasured in Italian culture. I thought - well, that gives me all the more reason to appreciate my time here in prison since we basically do nothing most of the day! The other expression, "L'arte d'arrangiarsi" means "the art of making something out of nothing". This phrase applies even more to my current living situation. Making the most of this nothing that I possibly can. Saying that, I'm now sharing with you the prison cadence that my friend Lo wrote out of boredom and simply because she is making something out of nothing - ENJOY!!! It's pretty funny and bluntfully truthful.
"Momma Momma can't you see,
What prison has done to me.
Locked me down in the slums,
It's looking pretty glum.
No one has integrity,
they don't even look like me.
I should just join a gang,
and start talking all the slang.
But my morals are too strong,
For me to do all that wrong.
Momma Momma can't you see,
What prison has done to me.
Made me see a different life,
Makes me want to be a wife.
Oh No! Here comes a raid,
Can't wait till my sins are paid.
Then I will never look back,
to when minorities weren't black.
I can't wait to be free,
I'll get back to being me.
Oh Momma Momma can't you see,
Four more years until I am free.
Then I can begin my life anew.
And be home with my crew.
No regrets to this day,
Prison helped me find my way."
Prison Cadence by Lauren Hansen 04.12.2010
"Momma Momma can't you see,
What prison has done to me.
Locked me down in the slums,
It's looking pretty glum.
No one has integrity,
they don't even look like me.
I should just join a gang,
and start talking all the slang.
But my morals are too strong,
For me to do all that wrong.
Momma Momma can't you see,
What prison has done to me.
Made me see a different life,
Makes me want to be a wife.
Oh No! Here comes a raid,
Can't wait till my sins are paid.
Then I will never look back,
to when minorities weren't black.
I can't wait to be free,
I'll get back to being me.
Oh Momma Momma can't you see,
Four more years until I am free.
Then I can begin my life anew.
And be home with my crew.
No regrets to this day,
Prison helped me find my way."
Prison Cadence by Lauren Hansen 04.12.2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Somtime in the 10th week: Adaptations
It's interesting how people try to adapt to whatever environment or situation they are placed in. Even in a place like prison where many daily used items are not at your disposal, an individual's creativity comes out to find the closest substitutes to what is needed or wanted.
In here, we don't have ovens or stoves, only microwaves. So inmates find ways to actually cook with them. One lady in my hall makes candy with peanut butter, sugar, rice crispy cereal and ice. Many bake cakes by melting chocolate, adding milk, and crushing cookies. Strings and elastics from socks are used to make hairties and headbands. Colors from magazines are used as crayons or even makeup. Body wash is made by crushing up soap and mixing in milk and shampoo. Batteries are used to light cigarettes indoors. The list could go on forever.
For those without loved ones putting money in their community accounts, other ways are found to make some cash. Inmates run their own businesses in here, no joke. They roll other's cigarettes for them. They draw cards for each other. Braid people's hair for some commissary. Thread eyebrows, or other facial hairs (yes, you'd be surprised how much unnatural facial hair women can grow, usually heroine addicts.) There are even "stores". Individuals run "stores" for when other inmates run out of any items, they can make a purchase and pay back 2:1 by the time of the next commissary order. Lucky for me, I can purchase my own items. I don't ask for anything which allows me to say no when others ask me for anything. Keeps you out of trouble that way since I see many inmates get into fights over owing each other.
Another adaptation women in prison make - and unfortunately, probably men too - is regarding their sexuality. Although there are a percentage of true lesbians, majority of these women have boyfriends of husbands on the outside, but become "gay for the stay". Yes, they mess around with other women because there are no other options. Why they would be attracted to drama and estrogen is beyond my understanding. I've been approached a few times and have obviously politely declined. Stay away from me, I don't like girls like that!!
Oh, and another thing. Prison sign language - yes, there's such a thing. There is a specific sign language that is widely known in prison. This is because during certain times, inmates are prohibited from speaking, so they sign to each other from across bunks or from inside cells. There aren't cells in my building so just across halls. I find all of this pretty interesting so I thought you might too. Till next time...
In here, we don't have ovens or stoves, only microwaves. So inmates find ways to actually cook with them. One lady in my hall makes candy with peanut butter, sugar, rice crispy cereal and ice. Many bake cakes by melting chocolate, adding milk, and crushing cookies. Strings and elastics from socks are used to make hairties and headbands. Colors from magazines are used as crayons or even makeup. Body wash is made by crushing up soap and mixing in milk and shampoo. Batteries are used to light cigarettes indoors. The list could go on forever.
For those without loved ones putting money in their community accounts, other ways are found to make some cash. Inmates run their own businesses in here, no joke. They roll other's cigarettes for them. They draw cards for each other. Braid people's hair for some commissary. Thread eyebrows, or other facial hairs (yes, you'd be surprised how much unnatural facial hair women can grow, usually heroine addicts.) There are even "stores". Individuals run "stores" for when other inmates run out of any items, they can make a purchase and pay back 2:1 by the time of the next commissary order. Lucky for me, I can purchase my own items. I don't ask for anything which allows me to say no when others ask me for anything. Keeps you out of trouble that way since I see many inmates get into fights over owing each other.
Another adaptation women in prison make - and unfortunately, probably men too - is regarding their sexuality. Although there are a percentage of true lesbians, majority of these women have boyfriends of husbands on the outside, but become "gay for the stay". Yes, they mess around with other women because there are no other options. Why they would be attracted to drama and estrogen is beyond my understanding. I've been approached a few times and have obviously politely declined. Stay away from me, I don't like girls like that!!
Oh, and another thing. Prison sign language - yes, there's such a thing. There is a specific sign language that is widely known in prison. This is because during certain times, inmates are prohibited from speaking, so they sign to each other from across bunks or from inside cells. There aren't cells in my building so just across halls. I find all of this pretty interesting so I thought you might too. Till next time...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Week 10: I cry and I smile, I'm weak and I'm strong
Why is it that happiness and sadness go hand in hand? A rainbow only appears after the rain. All mountains will have valleys. Going through hardships make people grow closer. Night and day, life and death. Well, you get the point...
Going through the accident and post-trauma was the hardest time of my life. And I've had many previous rough times in my life but nothing in comparison. But afterwards, it also made me appreciate so much like never before. The simple yet best things that exist in this world or any other. And those are the things that kept me going. Prison is also a hardship I must endure. I know I'll get through because its not nearly as painful as what I've experienced losing my friend in the accident, but it is still nowhere near easy in here. Physical hardships, but worse, missing my family and friends and missing out on their lives. Not being able to be there for them in good times and bad. But through these difficult times, the happiest exist too. I had my first visitors today and I can't describe the state of euphoria I was in for hours afterwards even. I cried tears of happiness the moment my friends came through the door. I am also so happy when I get letters in the mail. Feeling loved is incredible and I've never appreciated it as much as I do now. And I do feel blessed to be able to feel this way, a way so many of us never get to experience when it's all taken for granted. This is what will get me through being in this madhouse of a place. This madhouse that is filled with negativity, loneliness, anger, pettiness, drama and sadness - where it is so incredibly easy to get depressed and feel down in the dumps.
=) So here is a smile for all of my loved ones. Thank you for always being there for me in good times and bad, for sending love my way through letters or visits or thoughts, for being such an important part of my life. Don't be too sad for me because although prison is a saddening palce, you guys bring me the greatest joys and happiness.
Going through the accident and post-trauma was the hardest time of my life. And I've had many previous rough times in my life but nothing in comparison. But afterwards, it also made me appreciate so much like never before. The simple yet best things that exist in this world or any other. And those are the things that kept me going. Prison is also a hardship I must endure. I know I'll get through because its not nearly as painful as what I've experienced losing my friend in the accident, but it is still nowhere near easy in here. Physical hardships, but worse, missing my family and friends and missing out on their lives. Not being able to be there for them in good times and bad. But through these difficult times, the happiest exist too. I had my first visitors today and I can't describe the state of euphoria I was in for hours afterwards even. I cried tears of happiness the moment my friends came through the door. I am also so happy when I get letters in the mail. Feeling loved is incredible and I've never appreciated it as much as I do now. And I do feel blessed to be able to feel this way, a way so many of us never get to experience when it's all taken for granted. This is what will get me through being in this madhouse of a place. This madhouse that is filled with negativity, loneliness, anger, pettiness, drama and sadness - where it is so incredibly easy to get depressed and feel down in the dumps.
=) So here is a smile for all of my loved ones. Thank you for always being there for me in good times and bad, for sending love my way through letters or visits or thoughts, for being such an important part of my life. Don't be too sad for me because although prison is a saddening palce, you guys bring me the greatest joys and happiness.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
9 weeks: There's always something to be grateful for.
"God often sends me joy through pain,
Through bitter loss, divinest gain;
Yet through it all—dark days or bright—
I know my Father leads aright." —Conklin
Each morning here, I read a daily devotional from the booklets they give us. Today's quote especially reached out to me.
Suffering and enduring hardships and whatnot is hard and painful. After my accident, I didn't think the pain in my heart would ever stop hurting. A big part of it never will, but the love from family, friends brings you back to life, as I've mentioned previously. And that is a gift I'm blessed with and so grateful for.
Today has been a rough day. I found out my precious baby, my dog, was killed. He was hit by a car, coincidentally exactly one year after my accident. I now lost my dear friend as well as my dog on the same day. Choco meant so much to me too. I raised him as a puppy after my accident. He helped bring smiles back to me and my family's faces. He comforted me in despair and consoled me in a way that humans can't at times. My friend who was taking care of him while I'm gone grew to love him too. It was an accident and accidents happen. I never expected prison to be easy. Andy I don't expect that I won't have to endure further tough times during my stay here. Words can't express how much I miss my family and friends. I tell my mom I love her more than I've probably ever have in my life and I mean it with all my heart. Same with when I write to my sister and friends. But I know I'll get through. If I could make it through the accident, I can make it through anything no matter how difficult it may be at times. And I want to reiterate just how grateful I am for this thing called loved that pulls you through the hardest of times. That makes you remember all the good times with the ones in your life, whether still here, or gone, but remain in your heart. That makes you appreciate every single blessing you have been given - because those memories, those people, that love - are all blessings. The hardships, the pain, your life is all a blessing in disguise as well.
I'm finally out of reception now and am slowly adjusting to my new home for the next 10 months. In 10 months, I will leave maximum security and move to minimum security in the prison. The environment is still all a bit strange to me as I'm not used to being surrounded by this assortment of women - lots of lesbians/bisexuals, some of which look completely like boys, lots of unfortunate troubled women, lost uneducated, lots who have made many wrong decisions or mistakes in the course of their lives. Thankfully, many of these individuals do have kind hearts deep within them though. I try my best to stay away from the others. My bunkie's name is "Peanut" and the bunk next to me belongs to "Pimp". Quite humorous. They have been kind to me though and I'm grateful for that - of course, still being cautious of locking my things away just in case.
I'm grateful for my new friend - we'll call her "long lost twin". I'm referring to the girl in my last entry, the one I met in reception who has the same charge as me and is like my long lost twin because of our various similarities in personality and personal outlook/strengths/weaknesses as well as past experiences in life. I'm grateful to have someone to talk to who is going through the same thing and feels the same way as I do although I'm sorry she has to experience it as well because she is so sweet and caring and thoughtful and I see how much it hurts her especially when she speaks about her family and how she just wishes to hug them when we get visitors. I'm grateful we are there to encourage each other, remind each other not to let our hardships overcome us, do programs and activities together to pass time and be productive, as well as just keep each other company and mope around on down days.
I'm grateful for fresh air and I now think about the people I love looking up at the same moon and stars at night. I'm grateful for hope and knowing I'm loved. I will be okay. I trust things will be okay no matter what happens - good or bad - things happen for a reason.
Through bitter loss, divinest gain;
Yet through it all—dark days or bright—
I know my Father leads aright." —Conklin
Each morning here, I read a daily devotional from the booklets they give us. Today's quote especially reached out to me.
Suffering and enduring hardships and whatnot is hard and painful. After my accident, I didn't think the pain in my heart would ever stop hurting. A big part of it never will, but the love from family, friends brings you back to life, as I've mentioned previously. And that is a gift I'm blessed with and so grateful for.
Today has been a rough day. I found out my precious baby, my dog, was killed. He was hit by a car, coincidentally exactly one year after my accident. I now lost my dear friend as well as my dog on the same day. Choco meant so much to me too. I raised him as a puppy after my accident. He helped bring smiles back to me and my family's faces. He comforted me in despair and consoled me in a way that humans can't at times. My friend who was taking care of him while I'm gone grew to love him too. It was an accident and accidents happen. I never expected prison to be easy. Andy I don't expect that I won't have to endure further tough times during my stay here. Words can't express how much I miss my family and friends. I tell my mom I love her more than I've probably ever have in my life and I mean it with all my heart. Same with when I write to my sister and friends. But I know I'll get through. If I could make it through the accident, I can make it through anything no matter how difficult it may be at times. And I want to reiterate just how grateful I am for this thing called loved that pulls you through the hardest of times. That makes you remember all the good times with the ones in your life, whether still here, or gone, but remain in your heart. That makes you appreciate every single blessing you have been given - because those memories, those people, that love - are all blessings. The hardships, the pain, your life is all a blessing in disguise as well.
I'm finally out of reception now and am slowly adjusting to my new home for the next 10 months. In 10 months, I will leave maximum security and move to minimum security in the prison. The environment is still all a bit strange to me as I'm not used to being surrounded by this assortment of women - lots of lesbians/bisexuals, some of which look completely like boys, lots of unfortunate troubled women, lost uneducated, lots who have made many wrong decisions or mistakes in the course of their lives. Thankfully, many of these individuals do have kind hearts deep within them though. I try my best to stay away from the others. My bunkie's name is "Peanut" and the bunk next to me belongs to "Pimp". Quite humorous. They have been kind to me though and I'm grateful for that - of course, still being cautious of locking my things away just in case.
I'm grateful for my new friend - we'll call her "long lost twin". I'm referring to the girl in my last entry, the one I met in reception who has the same charge as me and is like my long lost twin because of our various similarities in personality and personal outlook/strengths/weaknesses as well as past experiences in life. I'm grateful to have someone to talk to who is going through the same thing and feels the same way as I do although I'm sorry she has to experience it as well because she is so sweet and caring and thoughtful and I see how much it hurts her especially when she speaks about her family and how she just wishes to hug them when we get visitors. I'm grateful we are there to encourage each other, remind each other not to let our hardships overcome us, do programs and activities together to pass time and be productive, as well as just keep each other company and mope around on down days.
I'm grateful for fresh air and I now think about the people I love looking up at the same moon and stars at night. I'm grateful for hope and knowing I'm loved. I will be okay. I trust things will be okay no matter what happens - good or bad - things happen for a reason.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)