9 weeks: There's always something to be grateful for.

"God often sends me joy through pain,
Through bitter loss, divinest gain;
Yet through it all—dark days or bright—
I know my Father leads aright." —Conklin


Each morning here, I read a daily devotional from the booklets they give us. Today's quote especially reached out to me.

Suffering and enduring hardships and whatnot is hard and painful. After my accident, I didn't think the pain in my heart would ever stop hurting. A big part of it never will, but the love from family, friends brings you back to life, as I've mentioned previously. And that is a gift I'm blessed with and so grateful for.

Today has been a rough day. I found out my precious baby, my dog, was killed. He was hit by a car, coincidentally exactly one year after my accident. I now lost my dear friend as well as my dog on the same day. Choco meant so much to me too. I raised him as a puppy after my accident. He helped bring smiles back to me and my family's faces. He comforted me in despair and consoled me in a way that humans can't at times. My friend who was taking care of him while I'm gone grew to love him too. It was an accident and accidents happen. I never expected prison to be easy. Andy I don't expect that I won't have to endure further tough times during my stay here. Words can't express how much I miss my family and friends. I tell my mom I love her more than I've probably ever have in my life and I mean it with all my heart. Same with when I write to my sister and friends. But I know I'll get through. If I could make it through the accident, I can make it through anything no matter how difficult it may be at times. And I want to reiterate just how grateful I am for this thing called loved that pulls you through the hardest of times. That makes you remember all the good times with the ones in your life, whether still here, or gone, but remain in your heart. That makes you appreciate every single blessing you have been given - because those memories, those people, that love - are all blessings. The hardships, the pain, your life is all a blessing in disguise as well.

I'm finally out of reception now and am slowly adjusting to my new home for the next 10 months. In 10 months, I will leave maximum security and move to minimum security in the prison. The environment is still all a bit strange to me as I'm not used to being surrounded by this assortment of women - lots of lesbians/bisexuals, some of which look completely like boys, lots of unfortunate troubled women, lost uneducated, lots who have made many wrong decisions or mistakes in the course of their lives. Thankfully, many of these individuals do have kind hearts deep within them though. I try my best to stay away from the others. My bunkie's name is "Peanut" and the bunk next to me belongs to "Pimp". Quite humorous. They have been kind to me though and I'm grateful for that - of course, still being cautious of locking my things away just in case.

I'm grateful for my new friend - we'll call her "long lost twin". I'm referring to the girl in my last entry, the one I met in reception who has the same charge as me and is like my long lost twin because of our various similarities in personality and personal outlook/strengths/weaknesses as well as past experiences in life. I'm grateful to have someone to talk to who is going through the same thing and feels the same way as I do although I'm sorry she has to experience it as well because she is so sweet and caring and thoughtful and I see how much it hurts her especially when she speaks about her family and how she just wishes to hug them when we get visitors. I'm grateful we are there to encourage each other, remind each other not to let our hardships overcome us, do programs and activities together to pass time and be productive, as well as just keep each other company and mope around on down days.

I'm grateful for fresh air and I now think about the people I love looking up at the same moon and stars at night. I'm grateful for hope and knowing I'm loved. I will be okay. I trust things will be okay no matter what happens - good or bad - things happen for a reason.