I'm a mess...

It's starting to really hit me these days.

I don't know what has gotten into me.. Its as if I can't handle anything all over again. Just spoke with my lawyer today and he's like, "You know you have court this Thursday right? You know you have to plead guilty and accept the plea this Thursday right?" I responded, "I know........." Of course I know. How could I possibly forget such a thing? I don't know what came over me after that conversation though that completely tore me up and broke me down.

I just ask for some strength right now... some smiles and laughter and strength... I can't write right now...

The unknown future.

Everybody is constantly trying to plan life ahead of time, prepare for the future, know in advance what is to come. We visit psychic readers just to hear what we want them to tell us. We need engagement rings to lock down the security of marrying this person sometime in the future that you want to spend your life with. We typically prefer to work in jobs that provide a sense of financial stability as opposed to risk. We always plan ahead and feel more satisfied and content when we are working towards a goal of some sort and acknowledge just what it is or else we feel lost. But why? Because of fear of the unknown.

I'm not saying that I'm not afraid of the future either, but there is a distinction between living your life in utter fright and acknowledging your fears yet still being able to take risks and live. At this point of my life, I truthfully have a lot of fears for my future. Will my family have the strength to be alright while I'm locked up? Will I? Will I come across many inmates that don't surround me with the positivity I need at certain times of weakness? How about my career path when I am released. How about my bills left unpaid for years. Are my friends going to gradually visit me and write me less because I do understand that they have their own lives to live... Is my dog going to think I deserted him? (Yes, that one's important too because he is actually the one living thing that depends on me most.) Will all my friends get married without me and am I going to age a lot and be single for the rest of my life? I could potentially drive myself insane listing my million plus fears, but what's the point. I believe that it's impossible to completely not be afraid, but you need a balance. Just enough to make you work at achieving whatever you need to be done, but not too much that makes you unable to enjoy the journey. Grasp and take each day as it comes while being conscious about how it affects your future as well. Take practical risks but live passionately and pursue what means most to you because you only live once. Grab as much strength as you can and face your fears with no regrets. Just fucking do it... right?! Life is short, we should start making the most of what is there...

Spread love.

"Let us dream of tomorrow where we can truly love from the soul, and know love as the ultimate truth at the heart of all creation. "

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with. "

"The meaning of life is contained in every single expression of life. It is present in the infinity of forms and phenomena that exist in all of creation. "

-Michael Jackson
(Side note: I highly recommend everyone to watch his movie "This Is It.")
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I couldn't have said it better myself. Just recently, I have come to realize the extent of just how absolutely great the power of love is. You miraculously find in it strength and a reason to live. It gives you hope when you don't think it exists anymore. It ties you to everything living in this world. It shows you that little things make a difference. It makes you see that no matter how different everyone is or what experiences have molded us into the individuals that we are, it doesn't matter. Love makes you strive and work towards being all that you can be and doing all that you can do in this lifetime. It makes you want to show kindness and love to others so that they can find that hope as well. Love makes all difficulties, great or small, seem petty. It makes you sacrifice willingly for the sake of others. It makes you appreciate the ones close to your heart like you've never appreciated before. It makes you more patient with the struggling journey of life.