It's so strange how many of us go about our daily lives in a negative manner and don't even realize it. Complaining about this and that. Dreading work or whatever else. Wishing we had more money or would win the lottery. Wanting to go on vacation. Annoyed and frustrated at others for one reason or another. Impatient.
My goal is to steer far away from this negativity, whether it is from others or within myself. Today, as I was on the train, I stared out of my window at the breathtaking sunrise across the NYC skyline and was amazed at the beauty of nature in itself. As I walked off the train, I was able to take note of the cherry blossom trees blooming as springtime nears. And I thought, how interesting that the trees change with seasons and weather. The contrast between winter, fall, spring, and summer. Day and night. Everything in life is a balance between one extreme and the other. Hot and cold. Good and bad. Smiles and frowns. Man and woman. Negative and positive.
Both will always exist and one seems meaningless without the other. But sometimes we tend to focus a great deal more on one (especially the negatives), failing to acknowledge the positives. Why is that? I don't know, but I choose to do the opposite. The glass half full is always better.
Anyhow, to update you on a few things- I'm doing well. 9 months left OMG. Single digits of months!!!! Wow. I've been getting many A's on exams, papers, briefs, etc. for my classes and that makes me happy. My family is healthy and for that I'm truly grateful. I had a scare last week because my mom's mammogram showed up with microcalfications. But she had a biopsy done and it turned out negative for cancer. Thank god for that. My friend Jen, the one who escaped from the halfway house and was sent back to prison, went home on I.S.P. (intensive supervision program?). I'm glad she gets that opportunity and I wish the best for her. Lo & Maria are still up in the max unit and we still write each other here and there. I've been slacking with my letter writing lately- that's my fault. I met up with my first friend from County, Linda, a few weeks ago too. It was crazy seeing her again after 2 years and crazier to think back to that time and how much I've grown since then.
Life could be better and I can't wait to go home in 9 months, but I cannot complain. Because at the same time, life could be worse. I'm just making the most of what I can. I can only be grateful despite the negatives and think of all the positives. Nothing in life and nobody is perfect. But we have to work on improving what we can, and appreciating the good. Because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
10 months left: Smiling.
Just a little update on where my mind is at. A few things have been brought to my attention lately. First, with so many of my close friends getting married lately, I was thinking of my own love life (or lack thereof). I mean, I'm actually pretty glad I'm single given my current situation. Family in itself is enough to deal with, I wouldn't want anyone else worrying about me and whatnot through this process anymore than they already do. And I'm glad because its not like I can be around to truly be there for anybody right now anyways. But I've realized I have issues still too. Despite my efforts to stray away, I seem to have regularly ended up drawn towards men who tend to criticize me and see me for my flaws as opposed to my strengths and good qualities. As you can imagine, that can't be good right? Well, I think it stems from how my parents have always been most of my life. How they kind of have always viewed me in a similar fashion, so that's what I learned love to be. Twisted right? Not to say that I don't love my parents any less. I know today that they have only criticized me so that I could improve, as they want the best for me.
But today, I really don't have to do this to myself anymore. Just as with my parents, I know myself that my good qualities still outweigh my flaws and that although I'm not perfect, nobody is. And if you don't see me and love me for who I am, then so be it- your loss and not mine. A person's heart is what matters most, and those who truly know me know my heart. I have a huge capacity to love- and not just love those who appear "perfect" whatever that is, but especially people despite their flaws, mistakes, weaknesses, so long as their heart is in the right place. I guess you can say, it's easy for me to see people's good qualities over their bad, because that's how I would want others to look at me.
Secondly, I've reminded myself just how lucky and grateful I am despite everything that has happened in my life. Things could always be so much worse. Heck, things ARE so much worse for so many individuals I've met through this process even. But even with those people, some find it in them the strength to keep smiling. There is always a reason to smile and find peace within yourself. You simply have to keep reminding yourself of this on a regular basis, because sometimes it isn't easy and you want to be sad or feel lonely or upset given your current circumstances. But dude, if you're doing everything you can, then it is what it is right?
What else.. Next week will be 3 years from the day of the accident. So many thoughts, but all I'm going to say is that Hana, you are truly missed and your spirit really lives on in my life (and so many others, I'm sure.) Part of the reason I'm even reminded to try and smile everyday is because I know that's what you'd have wanted or what you would have said to me. We always lifted each other up in difficult times in the past and that's why we became such good friends in the first place. You were always smiling and we always had a good time no matter what we did. Even in the wackest of places. Remember that one time, in that empty spot we went to? But we didn't care- we just got up on the stage and danced by ourselves in an empty room, laughing with each other and being goofy. Or remember the blizzards where we'd be snowed in, bored out of our minds? We always found something to do, some way to have fun despite the circumstances. Even though, some of those instances led to us going to the hospital from just plain clumsiness... Or remember the two times on the highway where traffic had come to a complete stop for over an hour? Blasting the music, getting out and dancing or taking pictures with each other. Making the most of a crappy situation. Definitely one of the reasons why I love you my friend.
Oof, and my dog, my baby Choco. The strangeness of my dog being hit my a car on the anniversary of the accident... I might sound crazy for saying or thinking it, but I really believe at times that you're with Hana. You are missed too, choco. You may have been so annoying at times, so dumb at others, but you truly had a heart of gold and you were my bundle of joy, always there to know when I was sad and try to lick my hand to comfort me. Giving me those sweet puppy eyes as if to say, don't worry it'll all be okay.
But today, I really don't have to do this to myself anymore. Just as with my parents, I know myself that my good qualities still outweigh my flaws and that although I'm not perfect, nobody is. And if you don't see me and love me for who I am, then so be it- your loss and not mine. A person's heart is what matters most, and those who truly know me know my heart. I have a huge capacity to love- and not just love those who appear "perfect" whatever that is, but especially people despite their flaws, mistakes, weaknesses, so long as their heart is in the right place. I guess you can say, it's easy for me to see people's good qualities over their bad, because that's how I would want others to look at me.
Secondly, I've reminded myself just how lucky and grateful I am despite everything that has happened in my life. Things could always be so much worse. Heck, things ARE so much worse for so many individuals I've met through this process even. But even with those people, some find it in them the strength to keep smiling. There is always a reason to smile and find peace within yourself. You simply have to keep reminding yourself of this on a regular basis, because sometimes it isn't easy and you want to be sad or feel lonely or upset given your current circumstances. But dude, if you're doing everything you can, then it is what it is right?
What else.. Next week will be 3 years from the day of the accident. So many thoughts, but all I'm going to say is that Hana, you are truly missed and your spirit really lives on in my life (and so many others, I'm sure.) Part of the reason I'm even reminded to try and smile everyday is because I know that's what you'd have wanted or what you would have said to me. We always lifted each other up in difficult times in the past and that's why we became such good friends in the first place. You were always smiling and we always had a good time no matter what we did. Even in the wackest of places. Remember that one time, in that empty spot we went to? But we didn't care- we just got up on the stage and danced by ourselves in an empty room, laughing with each other and being goofy. Or remember the blizzards where we'd be snowed in, bored out of our minds? We always found something to do, some way to have fun despite the circumstances. Even though, some of those instances led to us going to the hospital from just plain clumsiness... Or remember the two times on the highway where traffic had come to a complete stop for over an hour? Blasting the music, getting out and dancing or taking pictures with each other. Making the most of a crappy situation. Definitely one of the reasons why I love you my friend.
Oof, and my dog, my baby Choco. The strangeness of my dog being hit my a car on the anniversary of the accident... I might sound crazy for saying or thinking it, but I really believe at times that you're with Hana. You are missed too, choco. You may have been so annoying at times, so dumb at others, but you truly had a heart of gold and you were my bundle of joy, always there to know when I was sad and try to lick my hand to comfort me. Giving me those sweet puppy eyes as if to say, don't worry it'll all be okay.
12 months left or so: Happy new year?
It is December 31, 2011 at 10:18pm and I am lying in my bed while most of the world is either home with their families, out with their friends, or simply spending time with loved ones to ring in the new year. It is an ordinary evening here at the halfway house for me. Today, I did some reading, ate some food, wrote a paper for my winter break class- oh, and had a random guy (potentially a stalker?) come and try to drop me off food, but really just almost got me in a lot of trouble. I don't know who it was, but whatever name they gave the staff, I definitely do not know/recognize. I mean, I've had random people try to contact me through my incarceration who somehow found me through articles or DOC, but this time it has gone too close to f*cking with my freedom and that's not cool. Whoever you are, thanks for the gesture, but please leave me alone.
Anyhow, I've decided to skip new years altogether this year- the countdown at least. I don't think I've ever done this before, but last year in the max, watching it on TV with my bunkmate only made me sad. Therefore, I've chosen to skip all of that this year. I shall celebrate the new year in my dreams =) And I am perfectly content with that.
My new year's resolution? Stay strong, finish my degree, and keep moving forward as I'm doing. Oh yeah, and to smile more frequently. =) Things have been going pretty well lately considering. I've been focused, determined, working hard, and pushing through. My parents are showing to be slightly proud of me or happier with me lately, which is something completely new to me and it feels great. I've made it through a lot so I'm pretty proud of myself too because there have been times in the past where I never believed I'd ever get to where I am today- mentally, emotionally, etc. Ok, good night and goodbye 2011 ! One more year to go!
Anyhow, I've decided to skip new years altogether this year- the countdown at least. I don't think I've ever done this before, but last year in the max, watching it on TV with my bunkmate only made me sad. Therefore, I've chosen to skip all of that this year. I shall celebrate the new year in my dreams =) And I am perfectly content with that.
My new year's resolution? Stay strong, finish my degree, and keep moving forward as I'm doing. Oh yeah, and to smile more frequently. =) Things have been going pretty well lately considering. I've been focused, determined, working hard, and pushing through. My parents are showing to be slightly proud of me or happier with me lately, which is something completely new to me and it feels great. I've made it through a lot so I'm pretty proud of myself too because there have been times in the past where I never believed I'd ever get to where I am today- mentally, emotionally, etc. Ok, good night and goodbye 2011 ! One more year to go!
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