10 months left: Smiling.

Just a little update on where my mind is at. A few things have been brought to my attention lately. First, with so many of my close friends getting married lately, I was thinking of my own love life (or lack thereof). I mean, I'm actually pretty glad I'm single given my current situation. Family in itself is enough to deal with, I wouldn't want anyone else worrying about me and whatnot through this process anymore than they already do. And I'm glad because its not like I can be around to truly be there for anybody right now anyways. But I've realized I have issues still too. Despite my efforts to stray away, I seem to have regularly ended up drawn towards men who tend to criticize me and see me for my flaws as opposed to my strengths and good qualities. As you can imagine, that can't be good right? Well, I think it stems from how my parents have always been most of my life. How they kind of have always viewed me in a similar fashion, so that's what I learned love to be. Twisted right? Not to say that I don't love my parents any less. I know today that they have only criticized me so that I could improve, as they want the best for me.

But today, I really don't have to do this to myself anymore. Just as with my parents, I know myself that my good qualities still outweigh my flaws and that although I'm not perfect, nobody is. And if you don't see me and love me for who I am, then so be it- your loss and not mine. A person's heart is what matters most, and those who truly know me know my heart. I have a huge capacity to love- and not just love those who appear "perfect" whatever that is, but especially people despite their flaws, mistakes, weaknesses, so long as their heart is in the right place. I guess you can say, it's easy for me to see people's good qualities over their bad, because that's how I would want others to look at me.

Secondly, I've reminded myself just how lucky and grateful I am despite everything that has happened in my life. Things could always be so much worse. Heck, things ARE so much worse for so many individuals I've met through this process even. But even with those people, some find it in them the strength to keep smiling. There is always a reason to smile and find peace within yourself. You simply have to keep reminding yourself of this on a regular basis, because sometimes it isn't easy and you want to be sad or feel lonely or upset given your current circumstances. But dude, if you're doing everything you can, then it is what it is right?

What else.. Next week will be 3 years from the day of the accident. So many thoughts, but all I'm going to say is that Hana, you are truly missed and your spirit really lives on in my life (and so many others, I'm sure.) Part of the reason I'm even reminded to try and smile everyday is because I know that's what you'd have wanted or what you would have said to me. We always lifted each other up in difficult times in the past and that's why we became such good friends in the first place. You were always smiling and we always had a good time no matter what we did. Even in the wackest of places. Remember that one time, in that empty spot we went to? But we didn't care- we just got up on the stage and danced by ourselves in an empty room, laughing with each other and being goofy. Or remember the blizzards where we'd be snowed in, bored out of our minds? We always found something to do, some way to have fun despite the circumstances. Even though, some of those instances led to us going to the hospital from just plain clumsiness... Or remember the two times on the highway where traffic had come to a complete stop for over an hour? Blasting the music, getting out and dancing or taking pictures with each other. Making the most of a crappy situation. Definitely one of the reasons why I love you my friend.

Oof, and my dog, my baby Choco. The strangeness of my dog being hit my a car on the anniversary of the accident... I might sound crazy for saying or thinking it, but I really believe at times that you're with Hana. You are missed too, choco. You may have been so annoying at times, so dumb at others, but you truly had a heart of gold and you were my bundle of joy, always there to know when I was sad and try to lick my hand to comfort me. Giving me those sweet puppy eyes as if to say, don't worry it'll all be okay.