13 Months left: Don't beat yourself up too much.

Despite all that's happened recently, I've managed to pick myself up and regain focus on my current priorities. And I am completely re-motivated to working even harder. I just hope this continues with very few interruptions.

I'm 27 years old, incarcerated, unemployed; I have debts, bad credit, no assets, single, battling emotional grief that I know will never completely dissipate. But I've accepted that. The only thing I have right now is my loved ones and my future - my aspirations and hope for a better tomorrow. And you know what? That's okay because all the above mentioned things I currently lack are temporary, but what I do have, will stay with me until the day I die. Maybe I had to lose "everything" to gain, so to speak...

When friends, and even my younger sister, are doing so much with their lives, realistically I do feel extremely behind. But I know I will get there, as I am working hard given my circumstances to do what I can towards achieving my goals and preparing myself for my release. It's just crazy because I feel as if obstacles have always been placed in my way more often than most people my age. Why is that? Does everyone feel that way? Who decided that I'm "strong" enough to handle any of this?

Then I think, does money and tangible assets determine true success in life? I believe that a truly successful life is one that fulfills its ultimate purpose for living and comes to a realization of what's really important. So looking at it that way, I'm actually further along than I've ever been - even when I had money, good credit, a job, apartment, car, freedom, boyfriend, etc. Those are things I can get again. But now, I'll have much more than just that - at the cost of losing a lot as well. Why does life have to work out that way?

My head hurts. Yesterday, my best friend got married. Needless to say, I couldn't attend. One of the many weddings I will have missed during my incarceration, but that's ok. Accept things I can't change, right? Oh well, it is what it is. I know that she knows in her heart I would have done anything to be there, and I just have to think gratefully that at least I'll be there for the rest of her life. I'm all about this positive thinking thing. It's difficult at times, but its the only thing that can get you through hardships. Focus on the positive, not the negative. Don't dwell on things you can't change. Work on things that you can.

Here are a few of my short term goals I'm working towards:

1. Make it out with a positive outlook, having grown and learned.

2. Finish my Economics degree before my release. (Yes, I'll be done this summer!)

3. Score above a 165 on the LSATS & apply for law school.

4. Get a job (at least a temporary one until I get out) and save up some money.

5. Quit smoking prior to my release. (Why do I even smoke anyways?)

6. Make parents proud & happy. (This seems to be going pretty well these days.)

7. Make plans for a place to live prior to my release.

Here are a few more long term goals:

1. Get my JD.

2. Publish a book on my story.

3. Get a job I enjoy doing, that helps others.

4. Regularly participate in charity events & speak to others on distracted driving.

5. Start own business (possibly non-profit org.)

6. Get married to someone who will be there for me, and have children to love and care for.

7. Forgive myself.

I have a lot more on my personal list, but you needn't hear about how I wish to enter the WSOP one day or learn to surf. Basically, I've realized there's too much I'd like to do in life and too little time. I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my youth before being so down on myself and lacking confidence and motivation towards life. But it's ok. I'm still young. I don't care who believes in me or not, because I believe in myself today and that is suffice. Second chances at life aren't given to just anyone...

14 Months Left: Thankfully, the shackles weren't for me.

I'm going through a really rough patch these days. It's been insane at the house lately, for one. We've had numerous shakedowns, the vocational counselor has been fired, 8 girls have been sent back to prison in the last week alone, and I am blessed not to have been one of them. They did put on me on a 2 week "blackout" period though, for being implemented in events that led to my friend's send-back/escape. Implemented by other residents who assume that I'm a part of things just because I'm friends with someone. And yes, I may have been a part of some of the activities which I firmly regret, but not all. But it's ok. I have most definitely learned my lesson from all of this. And that's to never forget where I am and to always remember I could be sent back for any little thing. To follow all the little rules and stay far far away from any chaos or potential trouble. Which is precisely what I'm doing.

There is nothing more frightening than the feeling of the remote possibility that Department of Corrections is coming for you. You wait and hear in the silent house (for it is the only time it is quiet here) for the sound of the shackles, trying to determine which direction they are headed. Your floor? The one below you? Praying they don't come near your floor.

One of my roommates was taken 2 nights ago in the middle of the night, and let me tell you- that was way too close for comfort. I couldn't sleep again for hours afterward. Last night, I had a nightmare that DOC came. That's when you know just how scared you are, when your dreams are even filled with it.

Now you're probably thinking- is it that bad? I made it through prison before, but that does not in any way mean that I would ever want to go back. I never want to have cuffs on me again. Never want to wear khakis again (although I will have to for my yearly medical trip). Most importantly, I never want to go backwards again, disappointing not only myself, but more importantly, my family. I've put them through enough as is, and I don't want them to ever have to worry about me again if there's anything I can do about it.

Even during this 2 week blackout, and 10 hours extra duty for having unsweetened green tea in my room - is going backwards for me. Luckily, my professors are being very understanding and the director has been working with me to speak to them and get me makeups on my exams, extensions on assignments, and excusing these absences. I'm so incredibly thankful for this. And I know it's not just because. Nothing is free in life. It's because I've been working my butt off all semester and it's not meant to all go to waste. Because God knows I've taken this all as a learning experience and will only move forward from here and keep focused on what I have to do.

Another sad aspect of this blackout period is because it's during thanksgiving. My mom's birthday is on thanksgiving this year and my sister is flying in from California. And I can't see any of them. But to me, it's a reality check. Every little decision, conscious or unconscious, affects your life and others in it as well. You gotta stop thinking that nothing will happen, because things do happen, and trust when I say they happen when you least expect them. The likelihood of an event happening could be slim to none, but sometimes life doesn't work by odds. And nothing is worth the risk. Nothing.

This year for thanksgiving, I am especially grateful for being where I am today. For moving forward, making steps to getting where I need to be and having that opportunity to finish my time out here, as opposed to behind bars completely. I'm thankful for the love and support in my life, and I'm thankful I can say I'll only have 1 more thanksgiving before I can be home with my loved ones again. I'm thankful to be alive and for the strength to make it through each day no matter how difficult - cuz God knows I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm thankful none of those shackles were for me this past week. I'm thankful for opportunities in my life, that I will never take for granted, and will only continue to work hard to take full advantage of them.