20 months: Fat girls need love too.

I've been thinking a lot recently (yeah, what's new). Just re-evaluating myself as well as how I've changed over the past few years on many different levels.

To bring a new topic of interest to the board, let's examine relationships and love/lust. I haven't written much on this in my past entries, because honestly, it has been on the bottom of my mind and list of priorities for reasons needless to be said. But being in the halfway house, communicating somewhat with guys again, and hearing half of the house constantly talking about it, brings certain things to mind even if I don't want them to be. What can I say, I'm only human. In the end, we all have an inner longing for that type of companionship.

I have many mixed feelings on this topic. On one hand, I know I'll be nearing 30 when I get out, and I do want to settle down and find that person to grow old with. On the other hand, that is not something you can just go out and look for. Which is a good thing because I don't have the time nor energy to be "searching" anyway. I'm really just focused on other things in my life at this point. Namely, graduating, getting out, continuing to build upon my relationship with my family, etc. Plus, at times I wonder if I might possibly be one of those women who are better off without a man. That thought scares me, but it could very well be true.

There are more women than men in this world, which makes for some lonely women, right? It's not to say that I can't find myself a guy - I know I can easily do that if I so choose. I mean, sure, I have my flaws of course. But I'm confident and secure enough to know it's not the issue. But someone I'd want to be with? Unfortunately, the guys I tend to like or potentially like don't really see me as someone they'd want to be with long term. What I think, is that they can't appreciate me for who I am, so then I realize they aren't for me anyway. I'm not your typical asian girl- passive, fully catering to the guy 100%, etc. No. I speak what's on my mind, I do what I want to do (with of course, willingness to compromise!), but I expect to be treated on the same level as any guy, and I'm not afraid to put you in your place. I think a lot of men-- sorry, i mean boys-- are intimidated by that.

Perhaps that's just it. Guys around my age are still boys. A bit insecure and in need of ego-boosting from little girls. "Oooh you're so strong you manly man you, please protect me from the world." I'm hoping by the time I get out, maybe some of these boys will grow the f* up and become ready to move on to something with a little substance. Value a woman who has been through tough times and made it out strong. Someone who won't say "I love you" to anyone who makes them feel all giddy inside, but actually knows that the meaning truly is. And who has learned that if you two don't work out, it's not "the end of the world O.M.G." It's just not meant to be at that time and it is what it is.

I don't blame you boys, it's not a conscious act- in fact, I think it might possibly be inbred in you when you hit puberty. You need to feel "needed" to feel like "the man." That's why as men get older, some will cheat with the young girls. It's an ego thing because their wives have taken control over their lives and haven't shown enough attention to the poor little puppy dog. Sorry, but it's true.

I need a man who doesn't need any of that to feel like a man, because they are secure of themselves and utterly emotionally, mentally and physically strong. Stronger than me, which is tough because I do believe that I'm getting stronger by the day. Someone who values the kind of girl that has her own thing, miss independent- like in Ne-Yo's song!

It's funny because I used to be the opposite of this. Dependent, clingy; a guy was once the center of my world. Why? Ha! I was young, naive and dumb, that's all I can say. But after everything, I'm not sure I can even shed a tear over a guy and that's that. My question is, is this ultimately a good thing or bad? I like being independent, but I don't want to be lonely. It's like the saying, "Fat girls need love too."

Oh well. I'll think on it more when I get out, maybe... Too much going on to even worry about that stuff at this point. Much bigger fish to fry, so to speak. The last thing I need right now is to deal with unnecessary drama or relationship crap. And I'm so blessed to have great family and friends who love me, it'd simply be greedy to ask for more right now. But hey, I'm still open-minded if something I like comes along. Just no expectations.