Sometimes, I write about random things because I know people want to know about the everyday happenings here, and other topics are a little personal and private. Sometimes, though, I don't really think of my readers and just speak from the heart. This is one of those times. I'm just going to babble.
My heart is hurting. I know I'm far from a perfect person, and God only knows how I feel about all the mistakes I've made in the past that have resulted in hurting others; especially the mistake of getting behind the wheel on March 13, 2009 to March 14, 2009. Here's the thing though. I promise to you, on my life, that I never have ill intentions and I care the world for my family, friends, and improving society as a whole, as well as living by good morals and values. And I'm so incredibly and unbelievably sorry for all the mistakes or wrong choices I have ever made, or simply for any carelessness on my part as well.
Now, when anyone really gets to know me, they tend to see where my heart is, and that's how I begin to love others as well, because I see them. I take pride in having some of the loyalest, most genuinely caring friends I could ever imagine having - and yes, I've come across quite the opposite in the past or seeing other people's relationships with their own friends as well. My closest friends are like a second kind of family to me and I am forever grateful to have them in my life and I h0pe I get the opportunity to show them my appreciation for as long as I live too.
My question is, how come my blood, my family, the people who I care about more than anything, fails to see my heart. Fails to see qualities that for some reason, others have seen in me or shown me, when I couldn't see those qualities either. I know my family loves me, but sometimes I wonder if they really love me for me, and that hurts me. I know they've always had high expectations of me in the past, but what is true unconditional love? I look at other girls around me here in prison and the truly unconditional love and support shown from their family and sometimes I feel a little sad and hurt. Like my friends Lo and Maria. It's like, they love them for it, and they show their love on a regular basis, no matter how imperfect they may be. For me, I know my family will always love me, but I don't feel as if they love me for me. I feel as if they love me because they have to, because we are forever connected, because I was my mothers first child and she gave birth to me, but not for me in the present and who I am today, because they see me as just a big disappointment and have little faith in me as a person.
I know there's nothing I can do right now but to keep trying to make things better one step at a time and moving forward and show them I can surpass their expectations, but I can't help but hurt knowing that when they finally see the good in me, I will have known they didn't fully believe in me in the times I needed support and encouragement the most. In the past, it would really get to me. But I'm not letting it affect me negatively any longer because I know better now. Maybe I'm the one who expects too much of them sometimes. Because I have grown to love my family for who they are especially in the past few years, despite any disappointments or imperfections they've had, because I've come to see their heart, something that, in my opinion, is the most important thing. I guess I just wished for the same in return.
It's okay though, I'll just try harder at developing my relationships with them and hopefully they can get to know me all over again. I'm just sorry for everything, I really, really am...One day, maybe you'll see my heart.
As I sit here and the tears keep coming down and I feel a slight emptiness inside with the pain in my chest, I feel so alone at the moment and yet I know that I have to keep the strength alive inside me in order for things to get better...I guess I just don't understand how my family can think so horribly of me when I know people in here who have a lifetime of purposely committing felonies, hurting others and still have family that only shows them faith, love and support. I guess I just don't understand how when my lawyer says I should have people write character reference letters, my friends wrote some of the most heartfelt and nicest things and my family had nothing to say. Especially my sister, who I've always stood by since childhood. Someone whose tears I used to wipe and comfort when my parents would argue, then go in the closet and cry on my own. Someone who I'd try to convince to do what my parents asked of her because I know how it is to do otherwise. And yet, someone who I still supported and loved when she began venturing out into her own interests even when my parents didn't agree.
We may all think in completely different ways and therefore misinterpret a lot of actions, but you have to look inside a person's intentions. When I was young, I used to change my report card grades when I got my first B's or C's. When my parents discovered it, all they could concentrate on was that I lied to them - I'm a liar. But they failed to take note that I simply didn't want to disappoint them because that's how much I cared about them. In fact, I was utterly frightened of disappointing them. I'm trying my best now, in every aspect, but nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm sorry.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
49 weeks: I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...
It's the holidays. For most, it's the "season to be jolly", a time to spend with loved ones, a time of giving and warmth and all that good stuff. Where I am, it's a time all of us wish would hurry up and pass already, like all other days, so that we may be one day closer to going home.
I've been doing a fairly decent job at making the best of it though, if I may say so for myself. The few friends I have in here area ll getting handmade Christmas presents along with a few other things from commissary, all wrapped up in some newspaper and a creatively handmade magazine paper bow that surprisingly enough, looks pretty and even passable as an actual present. I can't even remember the last time I've spent hours making handmade gifts and wrapping them. I can't remember ever sending all my friends and family holiday greeting cards either. That is one thing I'm grateful for the time to do and I think that when I get out, I will make time to do things like that from now on. The holidays are about spreading love, right? So forget about the impersonal mass holiday text greetings. I have more love than that to spend.
They canceled visits here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it's okay. I know this is just something I have to get through and especially receiving cards from loved ones and what not definitely is helping me concentrate on simply remembering and being grateful to know that there are people out there still thinking of me during the holiday season. And I am truly grateful for that.
2010 has been a long year, but at the same time, it has also bee a year that I've truly discovered appreciation for all the little yet most important things in life. And in the future, even if I may not have everything I want, I'll always be happy and grateful for things like love, freedom, and life. One year down, 2 more to go. My new year's resolution this year is simply to continue appreciating, continue remaining positive and continue moving forward.
Happy holidays to everyone. I miss and love you all. I thank you for bringing some happiness into my life even through the hardest of times. I may have no Christmas tree or stockings, no family and friends to spend time with or ring in the new year with, but I'm holding onto my own reason for celebrating and corny as it may be, love is around me.
I've been doing a fairly decent job at making the best of it though, if I may say so for myself. The few friends I have in here area ll getting handmade Christmas presents along with a few other things from commissary, all wrapped up in some newspaper and a creatively handmade magazine paper bow that surprisingly enough, looks pretty and even passable as an actual present. I can't even remember the last time I've spent hours making handmade gifts and wrapping them. I can't remember ever sending all my friends and family holiday greeting cards either. That is one thing I'm grateful for the time to do and I think that when I get out, I will make time to do things like that from now on. The holidays are about spreading love, right? So forget about the impersonal mass holiday text greetings. I have more love than that to spend.
They canceled visits here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it's okay. I know this is just something I have to get through and especially receiving cards from loved ones and what not definitely is helping me concentrate on simply remembering and being grateful to know that there are people out there still thinking of me during the holiday season. And I am truly grateful for that.
2010 has been a long year, but at the same time, it has also bee a year that I've truly discovered appreciation for all the little yet most important things in life. And in the future, even if I may not have everything I want, I'll always be happy and grateful for things like love, freedom, and life. One year down, 2 more to go. My new year's resolution this year is simply to continue appreciating, continue remaining positive and continue moving forward.
Happy holidays to everyone. I miss and love you all. I thank you for bringing some happiness into my life even through the hardest of times. I may have no Christmas tree or stockings, no family and friends to spend time with or ring in the new year with, but I'm holding onto my own reason for celebrating and corny as it may be, love is around me.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
48 weeks: 7 days of peace and quiet
Victory! I have actually successfully completed my 7 day vow of silence. It wasn't that easy, but I feel great now. Honestly speaking, I didn't know what to expect going into it. It was a random spontaneous idea I had, inspired by a book and movie, and I decided to try it out. I'm glad I did though.
Some people thought it was stupid and others respected the discipline and concept behind not speaking for a week. I didn't care; I said I was going to do it and I did.
This is what I have come to realize by being mute for the longest time since I learned to speak as a child:
1. You don't have to speak all the time. Some things are better off left unsaid. For example, if you may have disagreements where you know that talking back would only aggravate everyone more, then just shut up and let other say what they want because sometimes arguing won't solve anything. Especially where I am, a lot of times, arguments lead to physical violence.
2. It's not necessary to share every thought, feeling, or happening with other. Deal with them independently; share when necessary, but work things out yourself.
3. If everyone here took a week of silence, or even longer, I would be a happy camper. Just leave me alone let me do my time!
4. I have truly learned better self restraint on even reacting to negative things from others and altogether being involved in any unnecessary drama or conflicts. Even with the urge to say something, I can hold back better now, if I so please.
What's also significant is that I finished something I promised myself I would do. I know it's something minor, but in the past, I would have difficulty doing just that. A quitter, some would say. I would want to do something, try and give up when the going got tough. I would give int to doing what I wanted to do in the moment, instead of slowly working towards long term goals. Honestly, I didn't have much confidence that I could do a lot of things and would let myself talk me into thinking something was wrong with me. I'd try and try again, but lose hope little bits at a time each time. I held onto the belief that "nothing is impossible to a willing heart", but my heart was just not always completely willing.
But that's all been changing after everything I've been through the past 2 years. And it's a great feeling to know that any little (or major) thing I want to work towards, with my self control and perseverance, will be done regardless of any setbacks or difficulties. That includes getting out of this place called prison with a positive attitude while holding onto everything that's happened.
Some people thought it was stupid and others respected the discipline and concept behind not speaking for a week. I didn't care; I said I was going to do it and I did.
This is what I have come to realize by being mute for the longest time since I learned to speak as a child:
1. You don't have to speak all the time. Some things are better off left unsaid. For example, if you may have disagreements where you know that talking back would only aggravate everyone more, then just shut up and let other say what they want because sometimes arguing won't solve anything. Especially where I am, a lot of times, arguments lead to physical violence.
2. It's not necessary to share every thought, feeling, or happening with other. Deal with them independently; share when necessary, but work things out yourself.
3. If everyone here took a week of silence, or even longer, I would be a happy camper. Just leave me alone let me do my time!
4. I have truly learned better self restraint on even reacting to negative things from others and altogether being involved in any unnecessary drama or conflicts. Even with the urge to say something, I can hold back better now, if I so please.
What's also significant is that I finished something I promised myself I would do. I know it's something minor, but in the past, I would have difficulty doing just that. A quitter, some would say. I would want to do something, try and give up when the going got tough. I would give int to doing what I wanted to do in the moment, instead of slowly working towards long term goals. Honestly, I didn't have much confidence that I could do a lot of things and would let myself talk me into thinking something was wrong with me. I'd try and try again, but lose hope little bits at a time each time. I held onto the belief that "nothing is impossible to a willing heart", but my heart was just not always completely willing.
But that's all been changing after everything I've been through the past 2 years. And it's a great feeling to know that any little (or major) thing I want to work towards, with my self control and perseverance, will be done regardless of any setbacks or difficulties. That includes getting out of this place called prison with a positive attitude while holding onto everything that's happened.
11 months: The shit I do in here...literally
I just had to clean up the most disgusting toilet covered with diarrhea all over the place. I felt like I was about to vomit.
For my housekeeping job, I have to clean up the guards' office 3x a week. They chose me for that specific job because they don't trust many other inmates in there on their own. It's usually not too bad; dump a little bleach, take out the trash, clean the bathroom and sweep and mop the office. I have gloves to use.
Today, however, I walked in and the toilet was completely covered with green and brown SHIT! What kind of grown man makes such a mess and then doesn't clean up after himself? The officers on duty claim that it was someone else from the previous shift.
I was almost about to refuse to clean that, but I would have gotten a charge that could possible prevent me from going to grounds and the halfway house on schedule. I literally had to control myself from puking the entire time as I cleaned it several times before the mess was completely gone.
I'm so grossed out. On another note, I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love on the movie channel and was inspired to take a vow of silence. My friend Maria is doing it as well. No speaking for 7 days and lots of meditation. This is not going to include visits (if I get any, that is. Haven't for the past 2 weeks so who knows.) I don't expect it to be simple; it will require a lot of discipline. But when else would I have the opportunity? It's Day 1 still and I'm going strong. Already, my mind is a little more at peace and I feel aware of so much more in my surroundings as well as my thoughts already. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm carrying around a sign that say "I'm in silence for 7 days, have a nice day =)"
NAMASTE!
For my housekeeping job, I have to clean up the guards' office 3x a week. They chose me for that specific job because they don't trust many other inmates in there on their own. It's usually not too bad; dump a little bleach, take out the trash, clean the bathroom and sweep and mop the office. I have gloves to use.
Today, however, I walked in and the toilet was completely covered with green and brown SHIT! What kind of grown man makes such a mess and then doesn't clean up after himself? The officers on duty claim that it was someone else from the previous shift.
I was almost about to refuse to clean that, but I would have gotten a charge that could possible prevent me from going to grounds and the halfway house on schedule. I literally had to control myself from puking the entire time as I cleaned it several times before the mess was completely gone.
I'm so grossed out. On another note, I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love on the movie channel and was inspired to take a vow of silence. My friend Maria is doing it as well. No speaking for 7 days and lots of meditation. This is not going to include visits (if I get any, that is. Haven't for the past 2 weeks so who knows.) I don't expect it to be simple; it will require a lot of discipline. But when else would I have the opportunity? It's Day 1 still and I'm going strong. Already, my mind is a little more at peace and I feel aware of so much more in my surroundings as well as my thoughts already. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm carrying around a sign that say "I'm in silence for 7 days, have a nice day =)"
NAMASTE!
46 Weeks: Cruel and unusual punishment?
Last night, I was awakened countless times due to the snoring of the new lady in the cube next to mine - if you can even call it snoring, because animal noises was more like what it sounded like to me.
Let me paint the picture for you. Each cube in the wing has 3 people - two on a bunk and one single bed, separating each cube by a 5 inch thick half wall that goes as high as the top bunk. So basically, the person on the top bunk in the cube next to mine is right next to me, just about two feet higher.
Now first off, this is the absolute worst snorer I've ever encountered in my life - and I've seen some pretty bad ones, especially in here. She doesn't just snore tremendously loudly with so much congestion you can hear in her lungs and throat, but she screams repetitive sounds, like "KUUUUU!" It sounded almost like she was saying, "COOL! COOL! COOL! COOL! COOOL!" through the night.
If you think that was bad, it gets worse. She kicked my fan on the ledge of my bed onto me while I was asleep and now my leg is sore as hell! Definitely a purple and blue tomorrow. Then her arm was extended so it was practically hanging right over my face. And let me tell you, she is not a small lady. And all I could think about was how (1) her dirty dead skin cells were flickering onto my face because all I see her do is sleep and get up to take her meds and hardly shower, (2) how I wanted to rip out all the hairs in my head and (3) if I woke her up, would she try to fight me?
Needless to say, I woke up this morning with bloodshot red eyes, hair shed all over my bed, a bruised leg, and a grumpy attitude. Not "COOL" at all.
Let me paint the picture for you. Each cube in the wing has 3 people - two on a bunk and one single bed, separating each cube by a 5 inch thick half wall that goes as high as the top bunk. So basically, the person on the top bunk in the cube next to mine is right next to me, just about two feet higher.
Now first off, this is the absolute worst snorer I've ever encountered in my life - and I've seen some pretty bad ones, especially in here. She doesn't just snore tremendously loudly with so much congestion you can hear in her lungs and throat, but she screams repetitive sounds, like "KUUUUU!" It sounded almost like she was saying, "COOL! COOL! COOL! COOL! COOOL!" through the night.
If you think that was bad, it gets worse. She kicked my fan on the ledge of my bed onto me while I was asleep and now my leg is sore as hell! Definitely a purple and blue tomorrow. Then her arm was extended so it was practically hanging right over my face. And let me tell you, she is not a small lady. And all I could think about was how (1) her dirty dead skin cells were flickering onto my face because all I see her do is sleep and get up to take her meds and hardly shower, (2) how I wanted to rip out all the hairs in my head and (3) if I woke her up, would she try to fight me?
Needless to say, I woke up this morning with bloodshot red eyes, hair shed all over my bed, a bruised leg, and a grumpy attitude. Not "COOL" at all.
44 Weeks: Nasty
I was informed today an officer of higher authority ask my friend's girlfriend here if she could "hook him up with me." How fucking disgusting. He was dead serious too. She thought he wanted to blackmail her because she was a gang member and he could make up some charges against her. Keep in mind this facility is currently being sued by another inmate for sexual harassment by this officer already. Yes, he allegedly had sexual relations with several women in the other building where girls have single cells.
Because of this lawsuit, this woman was moved to my building and is constantly targeted by many officers. Yes, she's a whore and used to be a professional escort, but she is suing the facility for a shit load of money on the grounds that it is still the officer's wrongful behavior to put her even in a position like that.
Honestly, when my friend's girlfriend told me this, I was (1) repulsed, (2) angry, and (3) a bit scared. In any other situation, things would be different. But in prison, what am I to do? I'm just thankful I'm always surrounded by other inmates and never alone where something bad could possibly happen. Every time I see this particular sergeant, I feel sick to my stomach at the fact that he even works here and that he even attempted to come anywhere near me.
Because of this lawsuit, this woman was moved to my building and is constantly targeted by many officers. Yes, she's a whore and used to be a professional escort, but she is suing the facility for a shit load of money on the grounds that it is still the officer's wrongful behavior to put her even in a position like that.
Honestly, when my friend's girlfriend told me this, I was (1) repulsed, (2) angry, and (3) a bit scared. In any other situation, things would be different. But in prison, what am I to do? I'm just thankful I'm always surrounded by other inmates and never alone where something bad could possibly happen. Every time I see this particular sergeant, I feel sick to my stomach at the fact that he even works here and that he even attempted to come anywhere near me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
10 months: Thanksgiving
Wow, it's only been 10 months? I feel like it has been forever and a day in here. I can't even remember what great food tastes like anymore or waking up on a real bed without back aches and neck cramps. Or spending a whole day with loved ones.
I'm in a time warp here. I think of all the past Thanksgivings though and how much I've grown recently. Hard times force you to grow up, that's for sure. I've experienced and heard one too many sad stories and can never look at life the same way again. I'm just trying to make the most out of what I can and be grateful for every little thing each and every day.
On this Thanksgiving, despite my circumstances I still have so much to be thankful for. I may be alone instead of with loved ones and I may be eating the crappiest Thanksgiving food ever, but it's okay because I have so much love and support in my life from friends and family and that alone puts a smile on my face and brings warmth to my heart. My family is in California this year spending Thanksgiving with my sister and I miss them so much and wish I could be there with them. But I just remember and hold onto the fact that I am with them in spirit and thoughts and I will have future holidays to celebrate with them, which is more than some people and all that I can ask for.
There's always something to be thankful for, no matter where you are - even prison. We just have to acknowledge and appreciate them. Count your blessings. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm in a time warp here. I think of all the past Thanksgivings though and how much I've grown recently. Hard times force you to grow up, that's for sure. I've experienced and heard one too many sad stories and can never look at life the same way again. I'm just trying to make the most out of what I can and be grateful for every little thing each and every day.
On this Thanksgiving, despite my circumstances I still have so much to be thankful for. I may be alone instead of with loved ones and I may be eating the crappiest Thanksgiving food ever, but it's okay because I have so much love and support in my life from friends and family and that alone puts a smile on my face and brings warmth to my heart. My family is in California this year spending Thanksgiving with my sister and I miss them so much and wish I could be there with them. But I just remember and hold onto the fact that I am with them in spirit and thoughts and I will have future holidays to celebrate with them, which is more than some people and all that I can ask for.
There's always something to be thankful for, no matter where you are - even prison. We just have to acknowledge and appreciate them. Count your blessings. Happy Thanksgiving.
43 weeks: And here I thought laws were based on justice
I don't know if any of you have recently watched the news, but if not, the former Yankees baseball player was recently sentenced in Florida after drunk driving and hitting another car where a woman and her child died. He was sentenced to 6 months jail time and his charge was downgraded to a misdemeanor drunk driving charge. WTF.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened either. And let me tell you, this guy was blistering drunk. They gave him sobriety tests and he couldn't even walk straight. WTF. My bunkie was really infuriated watching the news about this last night. The injustice of the differences of sentencing around the US for the same types of crimes, especially when one is a case of driving drunk whereas another is a case of dozing off at the wheel for a split second being tired but happening to have a BAC just slightly above the legal limit - literally, equivalent to two drinks.
I mean, I honestly have no complaints about my time. It was my friend who died while I was driving. I want to take responsibility no matter what. And prison is nothing in comparison to the emotional hardships of the entire ordeal. Nothing. But all I'm saying is, if I have to sit here X years, why doesn't this guy have to for at least that amount of time? He actually hit and killed two people driving belligerently drunk and you're telling me I'm a convicted felon for the rest of my life and he's not?
This isn't the first time something like this has happened either. And let me tell you, this guy was blistering drunk. They gave him sobriety tests and he couldn't even walk straight. WTF. My bunkie was really infuriated watching the news about this last night. The injustice of the differences of sentencing around the US for the same types of crimes, especially when one is a case of driving drunk whereas another is a case of dozing off at the wheel for a split second being tired but happening to have a BAC just slightly above the legal limit - literally, equivalent to two drinks.
I mean, I honestly have no complaints about my time. It was my friend who died while I was driving. I want to take responsibility no matter what. And prison is nothing in comparison to the emotional hardships of the entire ordeal. Nothing. But all I'm saying is, if I have to sit here X years, why doesn't this guy have to for at least that amount of time? He actually hit and killed two people driving belligerently drunk and you're telling me I'm a convicted felon for the rest of my life and he's not?
Still at 9 months: UGH!
I'm so sick of this place. This girl in my wing decides she wants to start screaming at me other petty shit from the front cube. Basically this is what happened:
I was hungry as hell, it's that time of the month so I get extremely weak during that time if I'm hungry because of my iron deficiency and past anemia. So I make some noodles with a package of salmon but the public area sink is filled with people washing their dishes. So I dumped a little salmon water down the sink in our wing bathroom and rinsed it out so I could eat my food. This girl goes in the bathroom after me and complains that the sink smells fishy so I tell her why and immediately go in there to pour disinfectant down the drain to rid the smell. Later, she tells her bunkie, who used to be my bunkie btw, and her bunkie, let's call her "S" decides to start screaming at me from across the wing about it.
I tell her "my bad" and explain what happened and that it doesn't smell anymore because I immediately went to clean it as soon as I realized. Yet she continues to yell at me, saying that's nasty and what's wrong with me and why would I do that. So at this point, I'm frustrated and tell her, "S", I'm not in the mood, I cleaned it, I said I won't do it again, what do you want from me. She doesn't stop so I screamed back at her to fucking drop it already. I don't say shit to her or anyone else about anything and what the F is the big deal. When she was my bunkie, she was the messiest, dirtiest person ever. Leaving dirty dishes around to get moldy, leaving her things everywhere on other people's trunks, etc. If I talk to anyone, I show respect even if they don't deserve it and I say things nicely. And here you are, screaming over something that's over and done with.
She decides to start threatening me. Keep in mind, she is a gang member. She says, "I''m gonna fuck you up. Who do you think you are talking to, as if I'm a nobody, I'm gonna fuck you up." GO AHEAD "Fuck me up" if you want to , stop talking shit and annoying me while I'm peacefully on my bed doing my own thing. Do you think I'm scared of you and your stupid gang? That's why you will continue to come back to jail while I'll be free at home in 2 years.
I don't even care anymore. I've held my tongue so many times and I'm so sick of people thinking they can do whatever they want. My bunkie Peanut says I'm just PMSing and not to worry because everyone likes me. I'm just ready to get out of here. Girls can be so retarded. They bitch about the stupidest petty shit and then talk like they're going to do something but don't. If you have a problem with me, go ahead, hit me. Just stop screaming with your annoying voice and giving me a headache. I have better things to do. Thank God I have 2 more months life in max.
I was hungry as hell, it's that time of the month so I get extremely weak during that time if I'm hungry because of my iron deficiency and past anemia. So I make some noodles with a package of salmon but the public area sink is filled with people washing their dishes. So I dumped a little salmon water down the sink in our wing bathroom and rinsed it out so I could eat my food. This girl goes in the bathroom after me and complains that the sink smells fishy so I tell her why and immediately go in there to pour disinfectant down the drain to rid the smell. Later, she tells her bunkie, who used to be my bunkie btw, and her bunkie, let's call her "S" decides to start screaming at me from across the wing about it.
I tell her "my bad" and explain what happened and that it doesn't smell anymore because I immediately went to clean it as soon as I realized. Yet she continues to yell at me, saying that's nasty and what's wrong with me and why would I do that. So at this point, I'm frustrated and tell her, "S", I'm not in the mood, I cleaned it, I said I won't do it again, what do you want from me. She doesn't stop so I screamed back at her to fucking drop it already. I don't say shit to her or anyone else about anything and what the F is the big deal. When she was my bunkie, she was the messiest, dirtiest person ever. Leaving dirty dishes around to get moldy, leaving her things everywhere on other people's trunks, etc. If I talk to anyone, I show respect even if they don't deserve it and I say things nicely. And here you are, screaming over something that's over and done with.
She decides to start threatening me. Keep in mind, she is a gang member. She says, "I''m gonna fuck you up. Who do you think you are talking to, as if I'm a nobody, I'm gonna fuck you up." GO AHEAD "Fuck me up" if you want to , stop talking shit and annoying me while I'm peacefully on my bed doing my own thing. Do you think I'm scared of you and your stupid gang? That's why you will continue to come back to jail while I'll be free at home in 2 years.
I don't even care anymore. I've held my tongue so many times and I'm so sick of people thinking they can do whatever they want. My bunkie Peanut says I'm just PMSing and not to worry because everyone likes me. I'm just ready to get out of here. Girls can be so retarded. They bitch about the stupidest petty shit and then talk like they're going to do something but don't. If you have a problem with me, go ahead, hit me. Just stop screaming with your annoying voice and giving me a headache. I have better things to do. Thank God I have 2 more months life in max.
300 days down!
I know, I haven't been writing much lately. But what else am I to say? It's always the same here. Same shit, different day.
My bunkie and I did a poll yesterday in our building to see how many inmates know who our nations vice president was. I know what you're probably thinking - who doesn't, right? That's what I thought. Out of a total of 41 asked, only 10 people knew. You should have heard some ofo the incorrect responses. Someone actually said, "Reagan?" I'm seriously living in a completely whole other world.
I can't believe the winter is back again! Honestly, I'm just grateful I can get fresh air outside here unlike when I was trapped in county jail last winter. This time last year, I was signing my plea and heading off to Cali to see my sis and Hawaii for the last vacation. I'm so glad this is my last season in maximum. I know it's going to be a long and cold and lonely winter and holidays will completely try to knock me down. But things could always be worse. I've made it through 300 days already. And you know what? Whenever it gets tough, it will never be worse than the day of my accident and that's how I know I will make it through somehow.
My bunkie and I did a poll yesterday in our building to see how many inmates know who our nations vice president was. I know what you're probably thinking - who doesn't, right? That's what I thought. Out of a total of 41 asked, only 10 people knew. You should have heard some ofo the incorrect responses. Someone actually said, "Reagan?" I'm seriously living in a completely whole other world.
I can't believe the winter is back again! Honestly, I'm just grateful I can get fresh air outside here unlike when I was trapped in county jail last winter. This time last year, I was signing my plea and heading off to Cali to see my sis and Hawaii for the last vacation. I'm so glad this is my last season in maximum. I know it's going to be a long and cold and lonely winter and holidays will completely try to knock me down. But things could always be worse. I've made it through 300 days already. And you know what? Whenever it gets tough, it will never be worse than the day of my accident and that's how I know I will make it through somehow.
9 months: Growing stronger
My ninth month being incarcerated has been a difficult one, but has definitely taught me a lot of independence and the affect of other on my emotions and mental state.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been extremely affected by other people in my life-mainly those that I care for. Family and friends are important to me. This can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. Good: I can be very caring and aim to please. Bad: I can get very upset and sad when I disappoint people or vice versa.
This month, I have had the lease amount of visitors and mail here than ever before. In fact, before last night, the only people that came to see me in the past 4 weeks were my parents. At first, I had an extreme difficulty with it. I found myself getting depressed and moping around, struggling to not go crazy and completely breakdown. I missed everyone in my life and started thinking that my friends were beginning to forget about me. It took a good week to really get back on my feet and realize what I was doing to myself. How can I let the dependence of others affect me so much? I wasn't going to allow that to happen any longer.
All my life, I had been stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure of meeting my parents' high expectations of me and making them proud of that I ended up simply breaking down and having such little confidence in myself. Was I going to back to doing the same thing just because my friends are a bit busy with their own lives? No.
I came in here on my own and as grateful as I am for such loving and supportive people in my life, it is nobody else's time to do but my own. So instead of relying on the good things in my life to get through, I am learning to be more affect by the positives, but not as much affected by the negatives. It's a concept I've already learned, but I am only now seeing how much it can be applied to every aspect of my life.
Nobody has an obligation to do anything for me and I'm so thankful to even have such great people in my life and that's what I'm going to focus on. Yes, it's harder in here with less visits or mail, but nobody said prison was supposed to be easy. Like any other struggle in life, others can help guide the way, but you have to do it on your own. And if no one is around to help give you directions, you can't sit on your ass like a lost fool and give up. You have to manage for yourself and only be thankful for any extra assistance.
So to all my loving friends, thank you. And don't feel bad if you've been busy here and there. I understand and know in my heart you are all everything I could ever ask for in a friend. I just love and miss you all dearly and can't wait to go home.
9 months down, 2 years and 3 months to go. At least I'm eligible for grounds and then a halfway house in 3 months! One more step closer to home.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been extremely affected by other people in my life-mainly those that I care for. Family and friends are important to me. This can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. Good: I can be very caring and aim to please. Bad: I can get very upset and sad when I disappoint people or vice versa.
This month, I have had the lease amount of visitors and mail here than ever before. In fact, before last night, the only people that came to see me in the past 4 weeks were my parents. At first, I had an extreme difficulty with it. I found myself getting depressed and moping around, struggling to not go crazy and completely breakdown. I missed everyone in my life and started thinking that my friends were beginning to forget about me. It took a good week to really get back on my feet and realize what I was doing to myself. How can I let the dependence of others affect me so much? I wasn't going to allow that to happen any longer.
All my life, I had been stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure of meeting my parents' high expectations of me and making them proud of that I ended up simply breaking down and having such little confidence in myself. Was I going to back to doing the same thing just because my friends are a bit busy with their own lives? No.
I came in here on my own and as grateful as I am for such loving and supportive people in my life, it is nobody else's time to do but my own. So instead of relying on the good things in my life to get through, I am learning to be more affect by the positives, but not as much affected by the negatives. It's a concept I've already learned, but I am only now seeing how much it can be applied to every aspect of my life.
Nobody has an obligation to do anything for me and I'm so thankful to even have such great people in my life and that's what I'm going to focus on. Yes, it's harder in here with less visits or mail, but nobody said prison was supposed to be easy. Like any other struggle in life, others can help guide the way, but you have to do it on your own. And if no one is around to help give you directions, you can't sit on your ass like a lost fool and give up. You have to manage for yourself and only be thankful for any extra assistance.
So to all my loving friends, thank you. And don't feel bad if you've been busy here and there. I understand and know in my heart you are all everything I could ever ask for in a friend. I just love and miss you all dearly and can't wait to go home.
9 months down, 2 years and 3 months to go. At least I'm eligible for grounds and then a halfway house in 3 months! One more step closer to home.
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