9 months: Growing stronger

My ninth month being incarcerated has been a difficult one, but has definitely taught me a lot of independence and the affect of other on my emotions and mental state.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been extremely affected by other people in my life-mainly those that I care for. Family and friends are important to me. This can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. Good: I can be very caring and aim to please. Bad: I can get very upset and sad when I disappoint people or vice versa.

This month, I have had the lease amount of visitors and mail here than ever before. In fact, before last night, the only people that came to see me in the past 4 weeks were my parents. At first, I had an extreme difficulty with it. I found myself getting depressed and moping around, struggling to not go crazy and completely breakdown. I missed everyone in my life and started thinking that my friends were beginning to forget about me. It took a good week to really get back on my feet and realize what I was doing to myself. How can I let the dependence of others affect me so much? I wasn't going to allow that to happen any longer.

All my life, I had been stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure of meeting my parents' high expectations of me and making them proud of that I ended up simply breaking down and having such little confidence in myself. Was I going to back to doing the same thing just because my friends are a bit busy with their own lives? No.

I came in here on my own and as grateful as I am for such loving and supportive people in my life, it is nobody else's time to do but my own. So instead of relying on the good things in my life to get through, I am learning to be more affect by the positives, but not as much affected by the negatives. It's a concept I've already learned, but I am only now seeing how much it can be applied to every aspect of my life.

Nobody has an obligation to do anything for me and I'm so thankful to even have such great people in my life and that's what I'm going to focus on. Yes, it's harder in here with less visits or mail, but nobody said prison was supposed to be easy. Like any other struggle in life, others can help guide the way, but you have to do it on your own. And if no one is around to help give you directions, you can't sit on your ass like a lost fool and give up. You have to manage for yourself and only be thankful for any extra assistance.

So to all my loving friends, thank you. And don't feel bad if you've been busy here and there. I understand and know in my heart you are all everything I could ever ask for in a friend. I just love and miss you all dearly and can't wait to go home.

9 months down, 2 years and 3 months to go. At least I'm eligible for grounds and then a halfway house in 3 months! One more step closer to home.