5 Months left: Guilt & Acceptance.

I read something in a book today referred to as "Survivor's Guilt." When you live and someone else doesn't, you seek some sort of redemption for it. Something to approve of your mere existence. I'm thinking- is that where my motivation partially comes from? I always say, if there really isn't a "reason" I survived, I have to make one. I can't let it be a waste. Maybe..

Guilt is a funny thing. It's something I can honestly say I've lived with for most of my lifetime. Growing up, always feeling "guilty" about not meeting my parents' expectations of me. I kind of needed to discover for myself what it was that I was about, and not simply become who they wanted me to be. However, with that came the guilt. And for a while, I let it control me. Get me down and discouraged and thinking lowly of myself. Then as I slowly overcame that more and more, there came the car crash.. Of course, there is more than one type of guilt that came with that. And to some degree, I will have to live with part of this for the remainder of my life which I have accepted. Acceptance is another thing. I think it might just be the opposite of guilt. It isn't "innocence" or anything similar that you might initially think. I believe the only realistic way to battle it is acceptance. Something I have come to learn, and am still learning.

I just finished my very last Economics course of my life- thank goodness for that! On to the next step. Taking a grad school prep class in a month so I'll be concentrating on that. Continuing to work at the University part-time tutoring math and writing, as well as being an academic coach for students. I'm pretty excited about that, considering I've had my own struggles in the past that I have worked towards overcoming, so I think I might just have something to offer in that sense. We shall see. It will be a good experience though, nonetheless. And all of that will keep me nice and busy until I am released.

I can't even believe it's been 2.5 years now. Going home on furloughs now is so amazing. It's like a little taste of coming home. Something that seemed so far and distant for quite some time. It's been such a long and strenuous journey. Thanks to those who have been there for me each and every step of the way- you know who you are.