One big apology.

As the new year begins, I look back at 2009 and I look back at the past years of my life. I think about my new year resolutions that I've made-- most of which were repeatedly unaccomplished. I didn't make any resolutions this year or list any goals that I have for 2010. It will be about 3 weeks until I go away and I have but one main focus for the next few years: to stay strong and make the best of what I am given and to concentrate on the fact that I'm alive and I do have a future to work towards when I get out.

Why is it so difficult for me to achieve goals that I make? Why do I try and try and fail and fail? Whenever I'm finally close and on my way, something happens to knock me down hard. I know I'm not alone though, I know that almost everyone faces many struggles in life that at times can take years and years to overcome and there are no shortcuts to anywhere in life worth going. I know everyone has setbacks and bumps in the road as well, whether small or big, miniscule or tragic. As much as hardships get me down at times, I know I won't ever completely give up and lose hope. It doesn't mean that isn't hard though. It's hard as fucking hell. Sometimes I simply feel out of breath, out of energy, out of emotion, just plain ol' exhausted. It's all too fucking much..

Most new years resolutions are about realizing faults as well as strengths and working toward making yourself a better you than you were last year. I'm going to start this year by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry 2009, I'm sorry for past years before 2009, I'm sorry for any mistakes I will make in the future as well, despite my constant efforts not to. I'm sorry to everyone I've let down in my lifetime thus far which includes friends, acquaintances, perhaps ex-boyfriends and such, co-workers, myself of course and most importantly, my family. I'm sorry I suck at so many things and I'm sorry that I've brought some sort of twist of bad luck and a big fat mess to pretty much almost everyone I've encountered. I don't know what the purpose of this entry was really. I'm just genuinely truly really sincerely, and as many other synonyms you can find for REALLY REALLY apologetic. :( I hope that one day, my heart will show through and nothing further can possibly hinder my efforts any further. All I ask for is continued strength for the years to come. On the bright side, if I could get through the occurrences of 2009, I believe I can get through anything... Just pretty please, take it a little easier on me will you?