(sorry guys a little out of order) 36 weeks:

The days pass by one by one and I've gotten to the point where my feelings of missing home and loved ones have grown numb. They say it only gets easier over time, but that is far from the case with me. I feel like I can only hold out so much longer before I break.

Maybe it's the crappy weather lately and the coming of winter that has been getting me down or maybe my lack of mail and visits lately or perhaps a combination of everything. I just have the strong urge to cry and be held - like a big baby - but I'm fighting it.

I miss being a regular, normal part of people's lives on the outside. I miss being able to call whomever I'd like up when I want to speak to them. And I know I'm missed too and I'm grateful for that, but everyone has their own lives outside of me to make up for the lack of my presence. My entire life, however, is beyond these fences, and I am here....alone.

I promise to never take anything for granted again, especially when I get out. Any minor problems that may displease me can be dealt with. Any stressed can be handled. I feel like I'm in an emotional torture chamber. Some days are not so bad. Others are hard as hell. I know I will be just fine in the end - and I'm grateful to know that, but it still isn't easy. I know I've been through worse times and I've made it through, but it still isn't easy. Not at all.

People tell me how strong I am, but what is strength? Physically speaking, if a person lifts a heavy item, let's sad a bed, s/he is strong. But there are two types of people who lifts the bed. One who does it with ease. And one who struggles, sweats, moans, and finally lifts it. They both have lifted the same item and others may say, "Oh wow, the bed is moved. You are strong." But I'm not. I'm weak and it takes all my efforts to do something that may come easier to someone else. I'm simply exhausted from trying. How can I build my strength so that enduring hardships may come easier to me. And I never do it on my own either. The only way I can even "move a bed" is with the help of others. Or else I wouldn't make it at all.

I'm so emotionally drained, but I have a lot more time to do and so many more days to come....Hanging in....