1 year 6 months: Halfway through

18 months down and 18 to go. Things are so much better and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I’ve started taking classes, being out of the house on my own, and really moving forward and that feels unbelievable. It’s crazy to think how much I’ve changed and grown and just how appreciative I’ve become of every little thing in my life. No matter how hard things may get at times, I hold onto that and it makes it better. It was such a struggle to get permission to go this far out for my classes, and there was a point where I really didn’t think it could happen. But with all the legwork I’ve done since I’ve been in prison, preparation and planning, determination and simply talking to people from the bottom of my heart, things finally fell into place. It’s truly a blessing, it is. I remember when I felt like no matter what I tried to do, nothing would work out. But now I realize, I didn’t try hard enough again and again. I was discouraged too easily and always ended up giving up on myself and feeling saddened that things were always getting “in my way.” Not realizing that I was a big part of what was stopping me from getting where I wanted to go.

I have therapy sessions with the treatment director here twice a week and it is actually quite nice to have someone trying to help me emotionally. Someone who actually breaks down and analyzes things the way I do, but has a professional background and experience in it to give insight from an outside perspective. I’ve tried therapy before, but never grew fond of it. This lady is smart as hell though, tough and blunt when she needs to be, but caring. She tells me she thinks I am a very strong woman, and has no doubt that through everything, I will make it out okay. That I will accomplish the goals I am working toward achieving. But the reason she wants to have therapy is because she does worry about me emotionally. She feels that I hide a lot of pain and wants to work on that so I can go about my life with a little more ease. Everything she says has been so on point, it’s a bit frightening. I already broke down twice in front of her, and it’s not often I break down in front of strangers like that. I guess she hit the spot.

Anyhow, it’s so tiring being on the move again and being out and about! I love it, but it’s exhausting physically. You never really realize it, but your body actually gets accustomed to whatever your regular schedule may be. And for me, that was the prison life. So I am slowly adjusting back to real life somewhat and I guess my body is taking it harshly. The walking, especially. Taking public transportation requires a lot of walking every day, but I’m loving it. I used to hate waiting around for anything and I used to be so lazy to walk anywhere. I’d go and drive if it was 2 blocks away. I’d order delivery from a restaurant that was pretty much a few steps away from my apartment just because I was too lazy to go myself. I’d forget about purchasing an item at a store if there were a few people waiting on line. I refused to wait on lines anywhere! I’d get impatient and frustrated. Now, I am so used to waiting. Everything I’ve done in prison has involved waiting. Waiting for food, waiting for count time, waiting for mail, waiting for visits, waiting for the day to pass, waiting for months to pass, etc. So the 1.5 hour train ride to and from classes are nothing to me. Actually, they have been quite relaxing just being able to be on my own and listening to music or reading or even sitting and being in my own thoughts.

A lot has been happening recently. Last weekend was record breaking highs, with a temperature of over 100 degrees for 3 days. Living in a place with no air conditioning in that heat was literally hell. It reminds me of the two days in Maximum security when the air conditioning broke and everyone was practically naked, dripping sweat, and putting ice on our bodies to keep cool. Well, this weekend was torture as well. Forget about one day at a time, I was trying to manage one minute at a time. I had a headache, I was lethargic, cloudy headed, cranky and irritable, and just plain out miserable. I had thoughts of running away to an air conditioned building just to sleep, because yes, it was impossible to fall asleep too. My parents came for visits for 2 hours and my mom went home with a headache. She apparently felt so bad for me and the other girls in my house that she called the supervisor here as well as the directors from even higher up, and after many phone calls and consistent persuading, she was granted permission to donate some air conditioning systems and they agreed to match her and get the rest, so that each room in this halfway house now has an air conditioner. Well, she spent $2,000 so they matched her and spent another $2,000 and I am now living in a fully air-conditioned room. And my love for my mother has grown even deeper and wider. Actually, I think everyone in the entire house loves her now. They’ve been trying to work out getting A/C here for years now, but it never happened. I guess due to budget, also because nobody cared enough to push to make it happen. But my mom did. She even had to tell this head guy that we are humans too. She explained she was a physician and that on a medical standpoint, it was pretty much hazardous to our health to be in over 100 degree heat with no air conditioning and that if people were to have heat strokes and die living in this house, then it would be too late and they would lose more money than if they were to supply us with A/C right now. Amazing, right? I can’t describe how proud I am to have a mother that was able to get this done like this. She really shocked me and touched me. I just hope that I will be able to get out of here and make her proud and happy with me too soon and make up for all that has happened because although unintentional, I know I hurt her and others a lot and she definitely doesn’t deserve all of that. But I’m trying not to dwell on my guilt and let it affect my future because then things would only get worse and not better.

18 more months! As long as that may seem still, I try to change my perspective and look at things like this. I’ve made it through the worst and look how far I’ve come. I started with 36 months and now I’m down to the teens! I never would have imagined this day would come, and now I’m here. I have a lot to be grateful for so I just have to focus on that, and not what I am lacking and missing. The rest will come with time.