I’ve made it to the halfway house, finally. It’s only been a few days being here and time has been dragging. I’m on a 2-week blackout period before I’m able to start going anywhere, but 30 days until I can go out for classes, job searching, or group trips out. I can’t even have a visit or use the phone during these two weeks, but it’s okay. I’ve waited a long time to come here. If there is one thing I’ve developed through incarceration, patience is definitely it. I still struggle with it though, but I’m only human, right?
It is really strange to be living here and not a gated facility far from society. To have windows that open and no barbed wire fences. To walk on the sidewalk to go to the backyard, watch people across the street from my window at the park, see neighbors chilling on their porch. Yet I can’t go anywhere. I’m happy as hell to be here though and out of prison.
I had money stolen from me yesterday, hidden inside my underwear in my bin. Ridiculous. Right now I am in a 6 person room. After some time, you move down to a 4 or 3 person room and then to a 2 person room. Can’t wait.
The food here is ehh. What can you expect though. I’m seriously on a hot dog and chicken ban for the rest of my life. No joke. But the best thing is that visitors can bring me real food and when I go out, I can eat real food myself. We can also order out Chinese take out or from the Italian places / pizza places on weekends.
I’m so anxious and excited to go out in the real world even if for a few hours a day, and to be away from all of these people, and to start being productive each day as opposed to sitting in a room doing nothing. Sure, I do what I can- read, write, plan, think, etc., but I’m pretty stagnated and it’s a struggle maintaining patience and staying away from being bored a lot.
Oh yeah, it’s so great to chew gum again! I had someone pick me up some gum. Oh, the little things…
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Ok, so I am finally off blackout and I am overly ecstatic about it. My first trip out to the real world was yesterday. My counselor took our group to the local waterfalls and we got to stop by Dunkin Donuts and Burger King. I was so happy, like a little kid getting her first happy meal. Just being outside in the real world, walking down the streets, stepping into an actual DD and ordering their iced coffee that I’ve missed so much. It was quite an experience. Some complained about the long walk, but I enjoyed every moment of it. And going to the Great Falls was beautiful. I mean, compared to a lot of other places I’ve been to in the past, it wasn’t really much, but after being incarcerated and staring at the same barbed wire fences, I really appreciated it. I just stood there and felt so thankful to be here because I could very well still be in prison. So although it isn’t complete freedom and it still hurts being away from loved ones and being so restricted, I have to hold onto the fact that things could definitely be a lot worse.
There was a shooting across the street from us the other day though. It was a scary thought, the fact that I’m in a dangerous neighborhood like that. I didn’t survive all that I have to come here and be shot. But then again, if it were to be my time, then what can I do, right? We heard the gunshots and I could see the scene of the crime right from my window. A drive by shooting, 5 gunshots into this truck and killed the driver. They say it was drug-related and not a random act of violence. Not to say that makes it any better. I’ve seen some pretty crazy things these past 2 weeks already here just from my window. Crackheads tweeking and scratching themselves, drug deals, drunkards stumbling through the park and waking up on the bench the next day, etc. 19 more months here! God, that still seems like so long. I can’t wait for visits this weekend! I’m sad we can only have a few people on our visit list so I’ll have to rotate people in every 3 months aside from the ones who live close and plan on coming often. But once I start classes and getting out of the house, I could probably see my friends on the outside- that would be even better.
All in all though, I am managing. Days aren’t exactly easy, but I’ve been through a lot worse. I know things will only get better and I just have to hang in there one step at a time. The director here approved my traveling an hour and a half to take classes so I am as happy as a bee. Right now, they have me going to NA/AA meetings that are boring as hell because I seriously can’t relate to a lot of what they are talking about, but I try to make the most of it. Sad stories of people who let heroine or crack get the best of them, mainly. I really am lucky that I never thought that getting involved in those types of things would be an answer to my problems. Because God knows how I’ve always tried to run away from my problems in the past, just to ease the stressing and cope in the way I knew how. But at the same time, the message is always the same. Have faith and keep persevering, and you can make it through anything. Face your problems and find solutions instead of running away from them until they get worse and worse. I don’t know why this never worked for me in the past, but does now. I think partially because of every little thing I’ve been through up until now. From my past, to the car accident especially, then incarceration, I never would have thought I had it in me to make it out somehow. But somehow, I have. And I know if I can get through the night of the accident and afterwards, I can get through anything. I know that I have to be still alive for a reason, and that things can only go uphill from here. So every hardship or obstacle that keeps coming up, even if I doubt myself at first, I have an inner faith that things are going to be okay, and I don’t give up the way I used to. I face it and work through it somehow and it’s amazing how far that in itself can take you.
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