(a little out of order sorry) 15 weeks: BLAH!

I'm feeling really crushed today - and yesterday for that matter. It's for no real reason, but not getting a visit this week might contribute to this feeling. I know, I know, I shouldn't fuss about it. Most people here hardly ever get visits and I've gotten one every week before, sometimes more than once a week since I've been here. And I'm fortunate and grateful for that. But I still can't help feeling my heart a bit torn as I realize nobody is coming and nobody has come a single day this week.

You see, on visiting days, I don't usually know if anyone is coming until the phone rings between a half hour span and the guard calls your name. So before that time, I get ready just in case. I make sure my hair is as nice as it possibly can be in here - which is still crappy looking for the most part considering our lack of hair products available - put on my khakis which are required for visits as opposed to sweatsuits, empty my pockets since we can't bring anything, and sit around in a chair within a close viewing distance of the officer and the telephone. Then, I find myself staring at the clock as my heart begins to race and my palms start sweating. It's an exhausting and nerve-wracking process three times a week!

If I get called, the biggest smile appears on my face and I'm tempted to give the officer a great big hug. Of course, I don't though. I simply grab my pass and proceed to the visiting hall, extremely ecstatic and filled with joy. When I don't get called, I try hard not to be too disappointed as I know people have things to do and I can't expect to always get a visit. I can't expect my loved ones' lives to revolve around me even if my life in here revolves around them. What you have to understand is this: I don't have anything else to look forward to in here. Visits and mail is it. Its what makes the days go by easier.

I hate feeling this way, but I can't help it. I'm utterly dependent on friends and family to visit and write me. I've never felt so dependent before for a long although I don't think I ask for much. Yet here I am, whining like a baby and feeling sad and miserable over not getting a single visit this week. I just can't wait to get out of this place. =(