I'm not having such a great day. I was so happy to see my sister last night, but this morning I got into a little spout with my dad. I don't really want to get into the details, but let's just say there were plenty of emotions, tears, yelling and anger. (The latter from my Dad.)
My sister was right about something though, and that was that I can't let what my parents say or how they feel dictate my own daily life and general productivity and determination as well as self-esteem, no matter how much it hurts at times. I know that they are hurt too and they have every right to be upset with me, but I can't let it get me down. I just have to use it to give myself even more strength and energy towards making something of myself, to make it not a waste of me being alive. I'm moving forward and I know I'm on the right track right now and I just wish for my parents to see me for who I am today and not for all the mistakes I've made in the past. I want them to move forward together with me.
Being miserable in here is truly depressing. I can't eat a delicious meal to slightly cheer up my mood. I can't call up friends and vent it out. I can't really escape my thoughts and feeling in here at all. But in a way, maybe it's a good thing. They say the only way to overcome your fears is to face them. So having no choice but to be surrounded by all of these mixed emotions, I took a nap, cried to myself and wrote a letter trying my best to verbalize my thought to my parents. I doubt its helping much, but I feel better knowing I tried, instead of running away like I always did.
I can't really allow myself to fall into depression in here, so I choose to control my own life. I'm going to bed tonight, swollen-eyed and aching and I will wake up tomorrow, refreshed and grateful for a new day.
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