Still 27 weeks: What you didn't know

It has recently come to my attention that there has been some negative comments in regards to my writing, so I'm going to directly address him or her.

First off, I know that the comments were posted early on. When I was first in county jail. No, I didn't mention anything about specifics of my accident at the time or how I felt about losing a close friend of mine. I didn't reveal that until later, obviously for the reason of keeping anonymity in the writing and focusing on the experience of being incarcerated itself.

An anonymous reader wrote, "Stop acting like the victim in all this. You're there for a reason and that reason is not to help your less fortunate inmates. Your actions put you there so show some repentance."

I'd just like to say that if you've ever misconceived the idea that I feel I'm a victim in all this, I apologize. Because never once have I felt like the victim. Never once have I blamed anyone but myself for what has happened and never once have I had any type of bitterness for being in prison. Yes, I've described conditions, yes I've complained about missing home and everything else, but each day I remember to be thankful for so much else and everyday I pray for my friend and her family in addition to my own. The only think I pray for myself it to have the strength to get through another day so that I don't have to make my family and friends worry as much about me. And life would be meaningless if I don't try to make what I can of it and it would be a waste of me even surviving and I can't let it be a waste.

I am fully aware that I'm here for a reason. Even if it was a genuine accident. But when I am face with other inmates who lack certain things like love and self-worth in their life that has brought them to where they are, I automatically wish to do anything I can to help them out. I may not be a perfect person, but nobody is. None of you can sit there and tell me this is something that never could have happened to you. But I'll tell you one thing, I am quick to learn from my mistakes. I will never drive distracted again, I will never even drive late night again white tired, I will never have more than a sip of a drink and get behind a wheel. I will never under-appreciate my family and friends and will never take for granted anything that comes into my life.

And yes, I would trade all those lessons and more for the life of my friend back, but I can't. So I can only live out the rest of my days for her and for those that love me and have brought me back from dying as well. As I've said before, for some strange reason, I survived (against my own will). Anyone who truly knows me knows how I felt and continue to feel about my friend and the accident. They know that I didn't want to live for a long while and only pulled myself up for the sake of others. They know that I used to write e-mails to my friend constantly wishing for a response. My friend in Heaven also knows how much I love her. So for any one who doesn't know, stop judging based on nothing and if you really care that much, find out the truth about things before saying something false.

If you'd also care to know the real truth, I'll let you in om something. I think about my friend every single day. Of course I fucking do. My heart constantly pains no matter how much I know I have to stay strong and be positive. Do I write about it in every single entry? No, I don't. Most of my readers - my friends - want to know how I'm doing in here, what details I face every day and I try to share that with them. I want to express how much I'm staying strong and growing. People know my sorrow and pain for the loss of my friend and I don't have to remind them of that each and every day. But if that would please you, fine. Yes, I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. It huts me to think of the pain her family must have gone through and still are facing with the loss of their daughter. I miss her constantly and I rethink the scenes of that night in my head over and over again. I talk to her in my head as if she can hear me. I ask God why he didn't take my life instead. I think of everything I can do in my lifetime to even make 1% of it right. When people in prison complain about being here for X amount of time, I think to myself that they should be happy about it. Yes it sucks, and yes, I don't want to be here, but if given the actual choice of NOT serving my time, I wouldn't pick it. I chose the plea for a reason as opposed to trial. I was scared shitless to come here, but I was as ready as I could be and I knew it'd be fine because if I can make it through losing my friend, I can make it through anything. Which is exactly what I'm simply trying to do. The rest of you can think what you'd like, but my friend in Heaven knows how I feel and that's all that truly matters.