It's funny how we, as humans, can be very incapable of properly expressing certain emotions. When we are afraid, we try to act strong and macho. When we are insecure, we tend to overly show confidence and hate on those that have what we want. When we are sad, we often laugh or make jokes to cover that sadness. When we love someone, we often are not as nice as we are to even complete strangers, but instead take out our crankiness or anger on those closest to us at times. We do this because we don't want to be vulnerable to these feelings that can hurt us and make us feel pain. Love, sadness, insecurities, fears, whatever it may be. Tears are commonly associated with weakness in our society. I don't blame us in the least bit either - after all, you'd think that someone who doesn't let these things affect them will be best off, right? Unfortunately, that's the least bit true.
After my visit today, and usually after each of my visits here in prison, I look back and wish I could have said other things to my visitors, my loved ones. I find myself babbling continuously about all of the unimportant occurrences in my daily life here - the drama between other inmates, being shit on by a bird the other day, how big my underwear is on me, etc. Because keeping conversation light-hearted and silly is easier. Easier than saying what is really on my mind.
How much I truly miss everyone every minute of everyday. How I love you and am so fucking grateful to have you in my life. How I want you to be safe from harm and happy and how I'm sorry if I contribute to any kind of sadness in your life by being incarcerated. How I feel so much pure joy when you come visit and then it's taken away and slowly fades when you leave because I miss you again and would do anything to walk out of this place with you, if even for a few hours for a single meal together. And then all I can do is wait for the next time you come back again to see me.
It's been 3 months since I've been locked up and I still have so many more to come. That thought in itself drives me crazy. One day at a time, right?
I don't believe that tears and the ability to feel emotions are in any way a sign of weakness though. I think it shows strength. Strength and courage to feel things that aren't easy to feel, aren't easy to deal with. I'm still working on developing this time of strength myself and it's pretty difficult. Because let's face it - being sad SUCKS! But if we want to feel joy and true happiness, we have to withstand some of the sucky emotions as well. If I didn't miss people as strongly as I do, I wouldn't ever feel that excitement and happiness I feel when I see them. If I didn't know or experience pain and suffering, I wouldn't acknowledge and appreciate the love I have around me that pulls me out of misery and gives me hope and joy again. So I'm going to try not to be afraid of the sad emotions anymore, I'm not going to be afraid to feel.
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