Still 18 weeks: Just doing my best one day at a time

"Life is like poker. You don't get the hand that you want dealt to you all the time, and you just have to play the hand that you are dealt and play it to the best of your abilities." - Doyle Brunson

The question everyone wants answered is "How are you, how are you REALLY?" So I'm going to try my best to answer that. First off, today I had a great visit from two of my girls so I'm feeling simply splendid. I definitely needed the pick-me-upper today since the full moon apparently is making women here extra rowdy and a little crazier than usual. There's nothing better than getting away for an hour or two and seeing loved ones whom you miss so dearly.

Some days I'm especially cheerful and other days I find it difficult not to crawl in a hole and cry. I'm a mixture of every emotion that exists. Overall, I'm managing as well as I can (although more mail and visits can never hurt =] ). I'd be lying if I said I was completely great, but that's a little impossible for anyone in these circumstances and surroundings. But more importantly, I feel that I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life and I fully acknowledge this time as one of life's hardships I have to get through as well as a time for growing and healing. I've been through worse, especially the accident, and somehow made it out even when I thought I never would, but I'm happy in knowing that no matter what happens, good or bad, I can get through it. I'm just hoping there will be some good coming up because let's face it - the bad sucks ass!!

I'm not saying that prison is easy, because it is FAR from. But I know I'll be OK in the end with the continued love and support from family and friends. And I know there's a new and improved life waiting ahead. One that's more selfless, far more meaningful to me and one I appreciate greatly.

Nothing in life is perfect and we certainly never always get what we want and that's what makes most of us never seem to be content with what we have, always wanting more. I would have done anything to leave with my friends today after visits if even to just spend a little more time with them, but I know it isn't an option. I wish everyday I wasn't stuck behind barbed wire with the states criminals, but there isn't anything I can do about that either. Mostly, I want to go back in time and bring my friend back to life, but I can't.

All I can do is try hard not to dwell on those things, no matter how difficult it may be, and appreciate all that I'm given in the present entirely and do the best with it that I possibly can day by day, a little at a time, and that's what I'm learning to do.

As for today, I'm thankful for my visit, I'm thankful for getting through another day here and I'm thankful for family and friends and that they are remaining healthy and well. I'm doing my best and I think considering the circumstances, it's pretty damn well. Tomorrow's another day though, but I believe I'll somehow make it through OK too, even if I know I'll be waking up in prison. What can a girl do though? Sweet dreams and good night.