20 weeks: Some things are beyond understanding

The question for today is: Why am I alive? Whether or not you believe in fate or inadvertantly making wrong choices or being in the wrong place at the wrong time or simply bad luck, nobody really knows what the truth is.

There are a hundred plus things that could make kept my friend alive today if just one was lightly altered. There are a hundred things that could have prevented the accident from happening in the first place. There are a hundred things that would have resulted in my own death as well. Some of these things could have been directly affected by my own decisions, but many not.

I don't know why I survived. Although I can't help but question it, the fact remains - it wasn't up to me. I've always believed that there is a reason behind everything, but what is the reason for taking my friend's life? The life of a young woman, kind0hearted and sweet, a daughter, a sister, a friend to many. Wouldn't changes have been made in all of our lives from the tragedy of the accident in itself? I don't know.

How am I still walking and breathing today? If you saw my car, you'd ponder the same thing. Many people die with concussions alone - Why didn't I? For a while, I didn't feel like I was evening living. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's all a bad dream and one day I'll wake up from it.

All I know is, for some odd reason or another, I'm here. If you ask me, sometimes the ones who aren't with us now, rest their souls, are the lucky ones. The ones that won't feel the hurt and pain of those of us left behind. And that is what made me draw up the will to live again. Because I wouldn't want to inflict that type of pain that I felt with the loss of a loved one to others that love me. It would be selfish of me to do so. I had no other choice but to believe there is a reason I'm still here and to be grateful for that live accordingly.

So if any of you out there feel that I deserve to be the one dead, that I should be grateful I'm even in prison, maybe you're right. Maybe the self-centered part of me wishes I could have died too. But what am I to do? Kill myself and bring more pain to others who don't deserve it either? For some strange wondrous reason, love is in my life and surrounded me when I needed it most. You can't tell tell me what you would do because you weren't in my shoes. You weren't there, although it could have very easily been you in my place. How many of you have driven a car when you're tired, or had a couple drinks? (My last drink had been hours before the accident by the way and we had went to eat before getting behind the wheel.) How many of you have texted or talked to someone on the phone while driving or put on makeup in the car? How many of you have ever speeded or ran a red light? Well if any of these options are applicable to you, you could be in my place as well. Somebody, or you, could have died you'd be sitting here in prison with me. Consider yourself fortunate and be grateful that you aren't. Because if there's one thing that's worse than being dead, it's having to live knowing another person's life was in your hands - and even worse, having that person be one of your close friends, someone you know and love and miss every day.