50 weeks: Can you see me?

Sometimes, I write about random things because I know people want to know about the everyday happenings here, and other topics are a little personal and private. Sometimes, though, I don't really think of my readers and just speak from the heart. This is one of those times. I'm just going to babble.

My heart is hurting. I know I'm far from a perfect person, and God only knows how I feel about all the mistakes I've made in the past that have resulted in hurting others; especially the mistake of getting behind the wheel on March 13, 2009 to March 14, 2009. Here's the thing though. I promise to you, on my life, that I never have ill intentions and I care the world for my family, friends, and improving society as a whole, as well as living by good morals and values. And I'm so incredibly and unbelievably sorry for all the mistakes or wrong choices I have ever made, or simply for any carelessness on my part as well.

Now, when anyone really gets to know me, they tend to see where my heart is, and that's how I begin to love others as well, because I see them. I take pride in having some of the loyalest, most genuinely caring friends I could ever imagine having - and yes, I've come across quite the opposite in the past or seeing other people's relationships with their own friends as well. My closest friends are like a second kind of family to me and I am forever grateful to have them in my life and I h0pe I get the opportunity to show them my appreciation for as long as I live too.

My question is, how come my blood, my family, the people who I care about more than anything, fails to see my heart. Fails to see qualities that for some reason, others have seen in me or shown me, when I couldn't see those qualities either. I know my family loves me, but sometimes I wonder if they really love me for me, and that hurts me. I know they've always had high expectations of me in the past, but what is true unconditional love? I look at other girls around me here in prison and the truly unconditional love and support shown from their family and sometimes I feel a little sad and hurt. Like my friends Lo and Maria. It's like, they love them for it, and they show their love on a regular basis, no matter how imperfect they may be. For me, I know my family will always love me, but I don't feel as if they love me for me. I feel as if they love me because they have to, because we are forever connected, because I was my mothers first child and she gave birth to me, but not for me in the present and who I am today, because they see me as just a big disappointment and have little faith in me as a person.

I know there's nothing I can do right now but to keep trying to make things better one step at a time and moving forward and show them I can surpass their expectations, but I can't help but hurt knowing that when they finally see the good in me, I will have known they didn't fully believe in me in the times I needed support and encouragement the most. In the past, it would really get to me. But I'm not letting it affect me negatively any longer because I know better now. Maybe I'm the one who expects too much of them sometimes. Because I have grown to love my family for who they are especially in the past few years, despite any disappointments or imperfections they've had, because I've come to see their heart, something that, in my opinion, is the most important thing. I guess I just wished for the same in return.

It's okay though, I'll just try harder at developing my relationships with them and hopefully they can get to know me all over again. I'm just sorry for everything, I really, really am...One day, maybe you'll see my heart.

As I sit here and the tears keep coming down and I feel a slight emptiness inside with the pain in my chest, I feel so alone at the moment and yet I know that I have to keep the strength alive inside me in order for things to get better...I guess I just don't understand how my family can think so horribly of me when I know people in here who have a lifetime of purposely committing felonies, hurting others and still have family that only shows them faith, love and support. I guess I just don't understand how when my lawyer says I should have people write character reference letters, my friends wrote some of the most heartfelt and nicest things and my family had nothing to say. Especially my sister, who I've always stood by since childhood. Someone whose tears I used to wipe and comfort when my parents would argue, then go in the closet and cry on my own. Someone who I'd try to convince to do what my parents asked of her because I know how it is to do otherwise. And yet, someone who I still supported and loved when she began venturing out into her own interests even when my parents didn't agree.

We may all think in completely different ways and therefore misinterpret a lot of actions, but you have to look inside a person's intentions. When I was young, I used to change my report card grades when I got my first B's or C's. When my parents discovered it, all they could concentrate on was that I lied to them - I'm a liar. But they failed to take note that I simply didn't want to disappoint them because that's how much I cared about them. In fact, I was utterly frightened of disappointing them. I'm trying my best now, in every aspect, but nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm sorry.